WHEN THE SINGINGS OF BIRDS ARE JUST SONGS
BY
GERRY LINDGREN
WHEN THE SINGINGS OF BIRDS ARE JUST SONGS
Once I was a boy
Full of smiles and joy
Peace and love within me
Until I looked at the tree
A dying little bird
So precious and absurd
In the clasp of my hands
The last song-oh how sad
Once I was a man
Full of fear-thus I ran
Singings of birds all around
Moving to every sound
My spirit-it was saved
Love-to my soul I gave
When I freely walk along
Singings of birds are just songs
1. A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
There have been extensive research and clinical studies and case studies throughout academia, specifically the psychiatric field pertaining to all types of people who experience sexual traumas, its effects, coping with that type of traumas, healing from them, etc…, yet most, with a few exceptions such as Dr. Kinsey who was very judicious, have a very linear understanding of this course of study due to the trepidation that social and cultural boundaries set by the historic period of time that these clinical trials and research have been done in conjunction with specific nations’ cultural morals and values that have participated in this very sensitive discourse even in their symposiums, ironically, due to professional credibility. Subsequently, this is an impediment to an expanded illumination of the most extreme cases that injuriously become mislabeled and misunderstood. The only credible resourceful information that most “experts” have revealed is on the early sexuality of people that have and have not experienced sexual traumas as children that extends into adulthood, usually for the rest of their lives in one form or another, good and bad. It is imperative to discuss this thesis of this book more openly and to realize that children, and I will use myself as an example, do have, even though not fully understood, a form of sexuality that goes beyond sexual identity at earlier stages than most people are comfortable with discussing and consider it ineffable due to the pressures of society, so they suppress it rather than to understand it for several reasons, including threats of personal and professional malfeasance.
This is why it is compulsory that I write on this subject utilizing my personal experience so that the focus of this discussion will be a more all-encompassing discussion on the effects of sexual traumas, yet also the connections, although controversial, yet true, between the various coping strategies due to experiencing sexual traumas, specifically the use of illegal narcotics as a coping mechanism, sexual “fantasies” including pornography, and the powerful effects of music to heal from psychological shock in addition to pharmacological and other methods. The utilization of ethnic backgrounds will consistently be used due to the impertinent fools who falsely labeled me that will be expounded upon, like this whole section, in the “Final Analysis” at the end. Yet, the erudition of attaining wisdom on the wonderful use of the musical likes of a specific person is far more profound than most professionals give credit to. Also, there will be some suggestions at the end of this essay on strategies that were effective for me to heal when it seemed insuperable, and may possibly be able to assist other people to avoid precarious situations, nefarious people who take advantage of the situation, and dealing with rejection from “friends” and family.
Additionally, there will be the mentioning of what was and was not successful for me with additional options that ones may contemplate that are outside of the accepted demarcation of today’s morals and values that obviously, being very dynamic, will be modified in the future, however long that may take. It would be wise for the “experts” in medical and psychological fields to not hinder progress due to unnecessary research grants to extend their employment, too prudent to be illuminated due to ideological blocks, a prurient fascination, a fixation in itself, if you will, to ones’ mislabeled “deviant”, the desire of recognition from their peers and awards, and certainly not to circumvent United States of America (U.S.A.) Constitutional protections. Remember this valid point as the reader goes along: a fantasy is a fantasy, not reality unless acted upon, and if I had a few sexual experiences (not being sexually assaulted), perhaps I would not have had so many fantasies. Additionally, King Solomon in the Bible had 700 wives and 300 concubines, and I have not even had that many variations of fantasies, many, yet mostly repeats. There are so many variables involved to prepare oneself with as ones begin to read this without prejudging anything until reading the conclusion. Also, remember this as we go along: “should have, would have, could have”, are not true facts in a court of law as one either committed the crime, was an accessory, or did not.
Obviously, this will not be received well by some who are limited to a more in-depth understanding of this topic due to their own subjective professional and ideological viewpoints (due to homosexuality, sex in general, and illegal narcotics) and traditional “objective” repressive reactions to what they may also mislabel “disturbing” and/or “psychoses”. Yet, if an experience of a human being may affect a person, homosexual or heterosexual, then certainly it is possible to happen to others as well, although this will be from an introspective vantage point of my experiences that include when thoughtless people would vilify me with indignities such as “freak,” etc…that I will not dignify due to their ignorance. I will give some general references due to legal and ethical reasons and what actually what was going through my mind at various stages of my life as it is much more accurate, insightful and intriguing to hear and/or read the first hand account rather than arbitrary speculation from anyone else, including the “experts” who have never, and still do not know everything about my life, especially my childhood, so people may interpret this with a more thought-provoking and intelligible context and may result in being didactic. There will be some omissions as the focus of this dialogue shall not be interfered with due to intemperance and any further explanation that may be requested, yet not answered, is another matter inconsistent and insubstantial for the specific axiom of therapeutic purposes.
One innocuous example of even my parents not knowing everything about my childhood is worth mentioning here for emphasis is when I was about 8-years old when my parents and siblings lived at my maternal grandparent’s house in Anchorage, Alaska. I was alone, not surprisingly, and decided that I would smoke the cigarette buttes from my grandparent’s automobile’s ashtray. I was sitting in the drivers side when unexpectedly, my Grandfather (a German-American from Oklahoma), walked along the passenger side and sat down inside the car next to me. Naturally, I was frightened by his reaction, yet not to the level of either of my parents. Swiftly, I put out the cigarette butt that I was smoking. Grandpa stated: “Son (as he referred to me), you do not have to worry. So you are all grown up now smoking cigarettes. You do not have to hide from me. In fact, (as he slowly unwove his Camel unfiltered cigarettes that he smoked from his white t-shirt), you may smoke in front of me and start by smoking this pack of cigarettes instead of the buttes from the ashtray.” Halfway through getting through the pack of Camels, I became very nauseated and began to vomit outside the side of the car. Grandpa proceeded outside of his vehicle and came to the driver’s side to me, picked me up in his arms, walked me up the stairs into his house, through the hallway, and laid me down in his guest room and stated to me: “Son, now let this be a lesson to you.” It apparently did as I am the only one of my parent’s children who never regularly smoked to this day. I was quite concerned that Grandpa would tell my parents for a multitude of reasons, yet he stated: “Son, we are both men and this will remain between us.” Recently, I asked both of my parents on whether he told them. Of course, he is now deceased and I never would have asked them if he was living, and they both stated that he never told either one of them, and neither is surprised by his confidentiality due to his personality and both agreed that when he gave his word, he kept it.
Initially, I would like to move on to mention a few experiences that as a very young boy, both of my parents, including myself, recall my indomitable spirit that include “riding” my tricycle down a flight of stairs. Naturally, I would crash and this lack of fear of being injured and oblivious to danger disconcerted my parents. I was very fascinated by objects such as radios and clocks (taking them apart to see what was inside of them) and ”fixated” on television antennas (breaking them every chance that I could). Also, when I was about 7 years old in Kenai, Alaska, while walking with my father (who was carrying my toddler brother Lonnie) and my aunt Marcia (my father’s brother’s wife) on the wood platform dock for fishing boats, that I closed my eyes to see how far I could get to the edge without falling into the Kenai River. As expected, I took one too many steps and fell into the cold, fast moving current and became totally submerged head first, except for my left foot that miraculously my aunt Marcia instantly grabbed a hold of long enough for my father to put my brother down and pull me out of the water, otherwise, I certainly would have drowned. Later that I evening, my father’s brother and I alone went across the inlet to his fishing site. I was also very clumsy and my parents became very apprehensive about my actions and that I was a very solitary child that has continued to this point of my life, although, as previously mentioned, there were some secrets, good and bad, that they never knew. Another one was my intense dislike of hunting, even with my maternal uncles and step-fathers (despite the lies in my Alaska Native Medical Center records) as I have never liked killing animals, even fish.
I will start approaching this captivating part to diffuse the fallacy that the sexuality of the human species begins when people are approaching puberty, as I believe that in some in cases, it begins much earlier, perhaps for various reasons including genetics. This is because upon reflection, I know that in kindergarten in Anchorage, Alaska, I was absolutely fixated upon one blond hair, blue eyed boy and was looking forward to seeing him as much as possible, although he was in the other kindergarten class, even though there was no way for me to understand what those feelings were at that stage of my life. My attraction to this boy, whom I grew up with, continued past puberty, to junior high school, high school, and beyond as eventually, I reached the cognitive ability to realize that it was sexual attraction (I wanted to do everything sexual with him). Obviously, the frankness of these descriptions throughout will bother some, yet is required in order to have a complete and comprehensive understanding of what it is like growing up homosexual in the (U.S.A.) and for this specific topic in itself for later references.
Another secret that my parents were not aware, that people will find very peculiar, is when I was very young, I used to hide by myself under the bed at night wearing only the plastic pants (due to fear that will remain confidential) that me and my sisters were forced to wear as youths due to our occasional bedwetting difficulties that were definitely psychological for various reasons as our parents were going through a tumultuous, fierce divorce at this point and there were all types of abuses, emotional, physical, and sexual, yet I will leave it at that except that my father was very imperious and my mother the opposite. This article is not to assail anyone or to get into too much detail as that will divert from the thesis and purpose of even writing this article. The important point is to have a correct accumulation of true facts in order to contextualize and comprehend what will be written about this topic Sexual traumas are generally alluded to here, and one may conclude on their own about these events as we move on to the next phase, puberty.
At the age of 12-13, I lived with my divorced, married, and then divorced again mother and two sisters in Anchorage, Alaska on Baxter Road (my father, too, had several girlfriends and wives). As I was a pre-teen approaching puberty, it is crucial that it is mentioned here that the first 2 albums that I purchased were the Eagles “Hotel California” and Queen “The Game” as this will prove to be quite consequential in its relevance when the discussion moves on to the 2001 psychological shock and the effects of music, including classical and Motown, in the process of healing. The classical part, although scintillating and rare, likely is not unparalleled. I watched a film called “The Prince and the Pauper” and was mesmerized by the young actor my age (due to the young male’s physical appearance) as well as the musical piece “Greensleaves” (due to beauty of the musical piece). Not to ameliorate this very indicative combination that simultaneously happened, I unequivocally saw two more movies in this era, “Star Wars” where I realized that I was attracted to the actor who played “Luke Skywalker” (whom I wanted to kiss as I was only 8-9 years old when I first saw this film), and also the film documentary about the Beatles, “I want to hold your hand” when they took down their pants in their hotel room showing their underwear when there were a couple of young females hiding under one of their beds. The young girls were not the only ones excited. It was probably for the same desires.
Now, back in 1981, I was in 7th grade at Wendler Junior High School and not yet physically maturing as other boys at that stage that I noticed in the locker room. I was still a solitary person even though I had a paper route that eventually, a neighbor friend of mine temporarily assisted me with until a money incident occurred as someone stole the money that we had collected stored in my mother’s tampax box in the bathroom. There was also an incident when he spent the night with me and I woke up while he was kissing me on the chest and stated that he “loved me”. Although I already realized that I was likely a homosexual that was a bit traumatic.
Additionally, my maternal grandmother, Laudis Louise Hubert, whom I was very close to, who years earlier, helped me bury a little bird that died in the backyard of her house when I was 5 years old, was diagnosed with cancer. She developed horrible coughing that frightened me so I avoided her, although she psychologically nurtured me the most up until this point of my life, and on Friday, January 9, 1981, she unexpectedly died when we were supposed to visit her that evening at the hospital. I was the first person to find out as her physician called my grandparent’s house and I answered the phone as all the adults were away except for me and my siblings. Even though there had already been various traumatic experiences in my young life, this event proved to be extremely significant as I went from an outstanding student to failing 7th grade, even physical education, my favorite class except for frequently being called “faggot” (due to staring at other males’ penises because I was not growing any pubic hair yet), as I would not dress for gym and for this specific semester, swimming (for various personal reasons).
Ironically, the only course that I did not fail was High-Average math with Mrs. Freeman that I received an ‘A’ with all other grades being ‘F’ due to smoking marijuana on a daily basis as a psychological escapes mechanism as a direct result of coping with my grandmother’s death. This set a psychological precedent in coping with later life traumas that eventually became deeply ingrained into my mind that became more and more complex and extraordinary (especially with more and more traumas, self-inflicted, my younger brother Lonnie’s death, and due to corrupt law enforcement actions that all had consequences) that even now, as I extrapolate all these diverse experiences and what was going through my mind during those particular stages, some more significant than others, yet they had common denominators. This is why I began with my poem that I wrote as a result of identifying all the complex life experiences and if you will, saw for the first time.
After Grandma’s death, it was conspicuous and undeniable that my mother was psychologically affected by her mother’s death and after that (marriages and boyfriends), my mom, her boyfriend from Des Moines, Iowa, (who was very obstreperous), and my sisters Monica and Lori moved to Bettendorf, Iowa. It seemed to me that observing my mother throughout the years and how hard she worked for most of them that although deeply loving us, taking care of her children by herself proved to be quite onerous. The only step-fathers that I liked were her Greek husband with blond hair and blue eyes from Wisconsin (whom I was attracted to, yet nothing occurred sexually, although I wanted to remain living with him when they were divorced) while I was in 5th grade and my mom, he, and sisters lived in Clarksville, Tennessee. The other was Bob, whom she met when we moved from Iowa to Kansas.
However, in Iowa when I was in the 8th grade, I became very aware of my sexuality and recognized that my fixation on members of my own sex were physical as well as emotional due to developing “crushes” on a wrestling and baseball team mate in my same weight class and another Caucasian youth in my American history class, both of them were very beautiful young males my age who were very nice to me despite the fact that they must have been aware of my sexuality as similar to Wendler Junior High School in Anchorage, I was often called “faggot” and physically assaulted by other bozos, usually unattractive ones. It was only due to the one “crush” in my American history class (very beautiful, facially and physically as this was the Levi’s 501days that he wore very well , that I wanted to do everything sexual with, even intimacy) who, unknown to me, must have been known as a good fighter, because he basically told the ones who oppressed me that if anyone else called me “faggot” or assaulted me, that they would have to fight him. I was not harassed the rest of the school year.
There was another substantial event in Iowa as I had a friend who was one year younger than me, yet more physically mature than me. He first exposed me to heterosexual and homosexual video pornography as my only limited previous exposure to it was in 7th grade in Anchorage, as I would look at a Playboy magazine in the backroom of the 7/11 where my mother worked (unknown to her) due to a friend of mine who wished to look at the women (naturally, I was hoping to see the men that rarely occurred). My friend in Iowa would masturbate, usually alone due to me being uncomfortable with it at this point and he also had a female blow-up doll that he used to practice having sex with. He also had an interest in experimenting with me, yet that did not occur as even though he had blond hair and blue eyes, he was slightly overweight (and “fixated” on his own penis) and although my hormones were raging at this stage, I simply was not attracted to him.
There were two other experiences to note, yet the exposure to pornography by this friend that led me to locate the Kinsey report book and read it at the local mall and some of the stories mentioned such as a homeless white teen who ended up hating black people due to being arrested in Los Angeles and being raped by 2 black adult males in the cell that later became something that I used as sexual “fantasy” (performing oral sex and receiving anal sex simultaneously that will be discussed in further detail later) is relevant to what will be mentioned several times, conspicuously due to in 2001 when I went into severe psychological shock and became “stuck” on this pre-existing “fantasy” for more reasons than I will never totally elaborate upon.
The two other experiences in Iowa were when a young Caucasian male on my baseball team and the other one where a young Caucasian Jehovah’s Witness friend of mine, both of whom I was attracted to, openly urinated in front of me in obvious attempts to display their penises and of course I looked. Neither one of them displayed any discomfort towards me watching them. Unfortunately for me, nothing more came of it, yet I desired to perform oral sex upon both of them.
The following year, after my mother’s break-up with her Iowa boyfriend, we moved from Iowa to Junction City, Kansas to live near my mother’s sister, Jeanie. I was not too excited to reside in this location, although I did excel in wrestling and had enormous “crushes” on two Caucasian males (they both had beautiful bodies and faces) who were on my wrestling team. I contacted the one 1-year younger than me years later when he was in college and told him this aspect of my life, yet he did not receive the information well, although he was quite polite. (Actually, I attempted to contact everyone that I had a “crush” on, yet for the most part, it proved to be incredibly difficult).
I also had a sexual desire for my African-American friend who was also on the wrestling team, although all of them were in higher weight classes, except the one that was one year younger than me in the same weight class. My African-American wrestling team mate would frequently spend nights with me at the cockroach infected trailer that I lived in and usually, he would sleep naked. I would lay on my stomach when he was over and wishing that we would have sex (again, for later references, the “fantasy”, due to traumas and enjoyment if mutually agreed upon, of me to perform oral sex upon him and to receive anal sex), although I never would have initiated it . This is important as later in life, this was the major sexual “fantasy” that I would frequently use (and similar ones, even more on the edge of most peoples’, including gay boundaries). The reason that will be discussed later is that I personally experienced most all my other sexual fantasies with Caucasian males in the porn industry and for other reasons not to be disclosed, except for a few examples for “Final Analysis”.
There were incidents in Kansas for me and my sister Lori as we had to walk through a stretch of woods from our middle school to the trailer that we lived in when we would be approached by strangers, usually African-American. My sister Lori can testify to one such occurrence that happened to her (when I was in detention and could not walk her home, so she walked alone), although she does not like to speak about it. My experiences in the woods will always remain furtive.
Another person that I had a very strong attraction to, as I was 14-15 at this point, was a 19-year old, thin blond male with blue eyes who was in the Army that naturally, I will not name, as I found out many years later, that he had a “crush” on me too and was gay. If I knew that then, I am 100% sure we would have had some type of relationship. It may have been more than just sexual, but even if it not, that would have been fine with me as I personally liked him too. It was my younger age that concerned him, although it would not have concerned me. My older sister told me that he had a strong desire to be with me and since the feelings were mutual, there would have been no doubt about what would have occurred as I certainly would not have told anyone as it was only a 4-year difference that seemed a lot then, yet not so today, at least from my personal perspective.
During this time, I became reacquainted with the Jehovah’s Witnesses (J.W.) due to my father’s conversion to this religion that he began associating with a few years earlier and exposed me to their theology. Therefore, I began to study the Bible in Kansas with a man who was very honorable and dignified. As a result, eventually I decided to move back to Alaska to live with my father due to ideological religious reasons (that meant giving up my dream to wrestle in the Olympics for the U.S.A. due to J.W. rules and regulations) as my mother was not, and still is not, accepting of this specific religion that she alone may explain, if she so desires.
In the Kenai, Alaska J.W. congregation, I met a very beautiful young Caucasian teen male (with the same name as my oldest nephew) who had wonderful parents (his father is now deceased) and he was the primary motivation for me to continue to go to the Kingdom Hall (the J.W. “church”) as I very much wanted to see him as much as possible. We developed a very good friendship, unfortunately for me, not sexual, yet occasionally, he would spend the night with me. On one occasion, another significant event that would later have an enormous impact upon my life, he exposed me further to masturbation, and although extremely attracted to him, I was too shy to join him on my bed, although I was quite confused as what it was that he was doing in his shorts on my bed until he made me aware of what it is (he is a heterosexual with children, an important point when explaining the sexual development of heterosexual and homosexual males, and likely females). Nevertheless, if I had to do it all over again, I never would have past up those opportunities to sexually experiment with my very attractive friends that as what will be read very soon, there were more possibilities. It was just that the J.W., and mine at this stage in my life, theological belief that homosexuality was a sin and atrociously, that God would destroy me for being me, which prevented me from any sexual exploration.
The next phase of life, I became fervent in the pursuit of God’s acceptance (although upon reflection, peoples’ acceptance, specifically the J.W.’s). I was baptized in Anchorage at the age of 15, quit school and took correspondence courses based out of Chicago, Illinois, in order to pursue the full-time ministry (“Pioneer” in J.W. lingo) with the ultimate goal of becoming a missionary for them. This pendulum of life took a drastic turn as I became the depredation of homosexual desires due to an absurd fear of God, not love (due to being contrived and brainwashed by the J.W.’s), and intensely made myself a victim of repression (homosexual desires) and sublimation (an over-developed sense of devout duty to God for the J.W.’s). I was very dedicated and industrious in my ministry and surprisingly, so ardently expressed an illusion of happiness (despite being unhappy), except for the happiness of being accepted by the J.W. group (and repressing earlier life traumas) and “believing” that I was doing God’s duty and in His favor by repressing my homosexuality. This is because I was still having homosexual urges, yet sublimating them, for a teenage friend of mine in the other congregation. These urges were only amatory with someone else who became my best friend of that time.
During one J.W. assembly (semi-annual and annual gatherings), a blond hair, blue eyed male my age was sleeping in my room and I very sexually attracted to him and his body as he slept flat on his back and buttocks moving towards me, thus, I sensed that the feelings were reciprocal. I was very tempted, yet again, nothing happened. I will always remember his very pretty face and eyes, slim body, and a nice young man. Except for my best friend of any type at this time, these sexual attractions were ambiguous due to the irrational fear of God as a terrorist (worshipping Him out of fear, not love). Even if the sexual opportunity with any of them could have occurred (it did with a few a little later in life), nothing would have happened as we all shared, to various degrees, the identical theological block and thought that repressing our homosexuality and/or experimentation was for God and we were taught to pray to Him to keep these desires from coming to fruition, unless we wished to die at Armageddon. Nevertheless, I would fantasize about having sex with them, including two African-American male teens in excellent physical shape that I would play basketball with that likely would have really happened if I was not so indoctrinated with the J.W. religion as needless to say, they were not under the J.W. utter nonsense pertaining to homosexuality (Again, I thought about my sexual “fantasy” with two black males in good physical shape, especially basketball in a gym locker room). Yet, all these experiences transpired as written, even the ones that I will not write about.
When I was about 17, my father’s back difficulties and lack of adequate medical care in Alaska, and the legal issues with Workers’ Compensation (criminals motivated by money), as a J.W. family, we decided to move to Huntington Beach, California and ended up living in an adjacent city, Fountain Valley, California. As far as beautiful young men go, I was in heaven, whether they were Jehovah’s Witnesses or not. I would usually associate with the surfers due to my love of the beach. There are some quite interesting experiences to share. However, I will begin this section by mentioning that up until this point in my life, I thought that Jehovah God would eliminate my “sinful” homosexual desires. This was until I saw the music video (the era of music videos) by the Norwegian group “AHA” with their song ‘Take On Me’ and seeing their lead singer (Morten Harket, oddly, we share the identical birthday) and that is when I knew 100%, that his physical beauty, his incredible face, with his wonderful voice and its simultaneous effects upon me, that the pre-existing internal conflict within me deeply intensified as I knew for a certainty that I was gay due to the internal physical and psychological effects that looking and listening to that lead singer had upon me. My marriage plans with a very pretty girl was now alleviated due to being truthful with myself. It was sacrilege and sacred at the same moment.
Now I was free to be myself and developed a few “crushes” on non J.W.’s (especially the one half Mexican, half Caucasian that was a look-a-like of Johnny Depp as we developed a very close friendship and even though he was a little older, I wanted to do everything or anything that he wanted to), yet as irony would have it, my biggest “crushes” were on J.W.’s. One, a blond hair, blue eyed friend of mine with a wonderful face and body (his mother was aloof to me, although his father was very friendly, even suspecting that I had sexual desire for their son) and his best friend (an Italian-American that I am certain had an interest in me that might explain why both of his parents were aloof to me). They were both surfers. Also, my best friend at this time, a blond hair, blue eyed male with Swedish ethnic background, although oddly, our friendship was purely plutonic.
There was also an incident where I met a young gay, blond hair, blue eyed J.W., 15-years old when I was between 17-19 years old, in Idyllwild, California, that I was very attracted to. I went to visit due to a mutual J.W. missionary friend who thought that we may bond in hopes of “curing” my homosexuality as he was further along in this progression than me at this point. We got along very well and both of his parents were very friendly to me, although his father looked like he could be a Navy Seal. The teen just told me what any other J.W. would have, he guided me to: “pray to Jehovah God to control these urges due to my love for Him”, consequently, although appreciating seeing and meeting a beautiful young J.W. who people knew was gay, an enjoyable visit, but did nothing to assist me with my inner conflict on this issue. The only other J.W. experience that may have happened was when I went to visit my white friend in Colorado (that I knew from Anchorage) during the time that his sister was getting married. We usually played a lot of basketball together and that is how we bonded. I told him of my attraction to him as he frequently utilized the term “faggot”, yet surprised the hell out of me when he replied to me that if I had initiated a sexual move towards him, that he would have been receptive.
It is right after visiting Colorado, that I suffered a traumatic experience when I returned home to California. It was around late 1988 and my father and step-mother kicked me out of the house while I was playing basketball at the Huntington Beach Edison courts. I later found out that it was due to the suspicion that I was a homosexual and my father was concerned about advancement in the J.W. religion because of it. Initially, he denied the real reason, yet eventually capitulated to the pressure of my family members who lived with us at the time to admit it.
Surprisingly, the other two incidents that happened before I was kicked out of the house, corrupt law enforcement slandered me as I would drive a young Latin youth to soccer practices (I was still scared to death of anything being perceived as sexual as what will be further expounded upon during the Northridge earthquake a few years later when I thought that I was going to die by God due to being a homosexual due to living a homosexual lifestyle and no longer a J.W. as I thought that it was Armageddon). I also had a “friendship” with a teen Caucasian male that I played basketball with at the Edison courts who with my African-American boss at Snappy Car Rental, located in Huntington Beach, Ca, on Beach Blvd., framed me for stealing the rental cars (his mother later called and apologized for falsely accusing me of various things not worth mentioning and stated that her and her husband were going through a difficult divorce and it was having a negative impact upon their son).
The repulsive aspect of corrupt law enforcement “thinking” that I wanted to have sex with these two non-J.W.’s when I was still actually motivated to convert them, as well as females, males, young and old. These youths asked me for rides and I gave them rides, or any other person who asked, of all ages and both sexes, yet naturally, corrupt law enforcement “cherry picked” a portion of my life, and omitted (a form of lying that they only became more proficient at, so naturally, they never have and still have not ingratiated themselves to me), any good that I did in my life. I certainly had my choice of much more beautiful guys if I chose to have sex, with some J.W.’s (even those not mentioned), non J.W.’s (even those not mentioned), close to my age (a little younger or a little older), yet it was not the right moment for a multitude of reasons, so the corrupt law enforcement excuses are just that, excuses due to the ridiculousness of it as I was frequently alone around younger J.W.’s too (the Latin boy’s age and younger) and nothing ever occurred and those “things” know it. Why else would the J.W. elders, and the congregation not be alarmed by my natural actions towards all people from their perspectives (that were accurate, otherwise we would have been in “Committee” meetings) as they knew me very well and they would have definitely turned me or anyone in to the authorities if they suspected anything inappropriate, especially sexual, which there was not, even when they are wrong and so they never did with me. Most of my friends during my J.W. life were actually, elderly women that I spent a lot of time in the daily ministry.
So, I was in shock for ignominious motivations by my father, and without being told why he kicked me out of the house, I had no idea what to do as the J.W. religion alienates ones from all non-J.W.’s who are likely to die at Armageddon if they do not convert to their religion per their ideological belief system. I did not know where to go. I decided that I was not going to return to the J.W.’s, and my family lived in Alaska (that I was then alienated from), so I did not desire to go there. I was a bit immature and the only place that I knew where gay people were in a large population was West Hollywood, other than a bar that I went to a few times in Belmont Shore, a suburb of Long Beach that a person that I met by chance introduced me to. At the bar at Belmont Shore, I first met Brian (then, thin and very cute) who approached me first (a drug dealer as I did not know that at the time) and he introduced me to his friend “Curtis” (now deceased) who claimed to be in the film “Fame” as a dancer and unbeknownst to me, also a drug dealer. It is then, after going to a popular dance club named “The Probe”, located in Hollywood, at an apartment of one of their friends, Curtis and Brian gave me my 1st ecstasy, and while under the influence, they shaved my entire lower body.
Brain eventually left, and Curtis invited me to his North Hollywood apartment. We went there, but before we arrived there, we spent a few hours at a local bar called “The Jobsite”, nicknamed “The Crystal Palace”, likely due to the illegal narcotic since it was open 24-hours, 7 days per week. Curtis and I were briefly there and went to his apartment located a few streets away due to him being exhausted due to being up for several days due to drugs. Obviously, I was not aware of this at the time, yet when we were in his bedroom with no windows, he immediately fell asleep for 3-4 days. I was awake during the day and while in his room, there was no possible way for anyone to know my mannerisms, actions, and speech unless there had been law enforcement surveillance due to his, not mine, illegal activities of selling narcotics. This is pivotal due to the fact that 12 years later, in January 2001 during a winter break from college in Durango, Colorado to Los Angeles, I met a man at Hollywood Spa named Jeff (jeffandjerry.com) who approached me first, I declined, then later approached again and offered me a drug that induces sexual pleasure (if not death) “gamma butrolactone”, “GHb”, and after a few attempts, I accepted his offer to go to his room and he exactly mimicked my mannerisms, action, and speech, even later with a dildo that he used at another gay bathhouse later that year that I did in Curtis’ apartment with the exact speech verbatim and movements. Jeff did this in January 2001 when he lied to me about his H.I.V. status, pretended to put a condom on, took it off, and ejaculated inside of me. This only occurred due to the effects that GHb had on me on “sensing” that I was very sexual. Jeff is the only man to have ejaculated inside of me besides Silvio (only once in 1990), my domestic partner of 19-years who is to this day H.I.V. negative. Jeff and I also had sexual encounters in March 2001 (Spring break in college) and in the summer of 2001.
There will be another “coincidence” mentioned here to absolutely clarify that there was law enforcement surveillance of me in late 1988 or 1989. Soon after I was kicked out of the house by my father, the first gay bar that I would go to in West Hollywood, California, even under aged, was and still is a very popular night stop. One evening, I met a former major league baseball (M.L.B.) umpire who had an “incident” with a very famous M.L.B. player (who as a coach, “allegedly” bet on his own team and was banned for life), at this specific bar. Obviously, being a sports fan, I recognized him due to the “incident” that gained national media coverage. The former M.L.B. umpire bought me a drink as he was with a companion close to his age as I was 20 or 21. We spoke and I informed him of my life situation. He offered to “help” me out and although still being quite naïve, I realized what it meant (he later had legal issues with running a prostitution “ring” of gay male youths). Once I realized what he meant, I left and never saw or spoke to him again as I was still in a J.W. mindset. Here is where it takes a bizarre twist. In 2001, right before I was to graduate from Ft. Lewis College in Durango, Colorado, the college Gay & Lesbian group paid to have this same former M.L.B. umpire to come there to have a dinner in his “honor”. Needless to say, I did not go. What are the chances that these experiences, both occurring to me in 1989 and 2001, in different states, would have occurred if I was not at least under partial surveillance, and why then, as I was still new to the “scene”. It had to be at least in part due to already knowing Brian from Belmont Shore in Long Beach and Curtis in North Hollywood, the drug dealers, in addition to those youth in Huntington Beach, and before that, in Anchorage, Alaska and their corrupt police departments.
I learned in July 2001 that I was H.I.V. positive and it was Jeff’s boyfriend, Jerry who confessed to me about Jeff being a law enforcement agent and that he intentionally infected me with the insidious, prolific, and poignant human immunodeficiency virus (H.I.V.) due to “thinking” that I was a child sexual predator which is a total lie and that Jeff knew me from the late 1980’s (I met him in 2001), which would explain how it would be possible for him to mimic my exact mannerisms that occurred 12 years earlier at Curtis’ apartment (even before when combining the “coincidence” with the former M.L.B. umpire) that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jeff had viewed that surveillance and was playing psychological games with me that another Federal agent stated to me that they referred to that as “mind fuck games”.
How unprofessional, officious, abominable, and odious in a total disregard for a human being’s physical and mental health, especially during law enforcement investigations when truth and lies have yet to be confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt. Jerry believed in God and was dying of acquired immune deficiency syndrome (A.I.D.S.), so I believe that he was attempting to clear his conscience, yet he made me promise not to say anything to Jeff due to his frail health and financial dependence upon Jeff, which until recently, I have not. The bizarre, yet realistic truth of this is in April 2001, approximately 6 weeks after having sex with Jeff (when he ejaculated inside of me), while in college in Colorado, I became seriously ill and almost had to be hospitalized, as I realize now that I had sero-converted to the H.I.V. illness, although since there was a flu going around the college, I brushed it off (denial?) as that I was experiencing a severe case of the “bug” that was going around. Jeff, being an atheist, had absolutely no remorse and in fact, stated that I deserved H.I.V. and to die due to regret about surviving the 1990’s when most of my friends died of A.I.D.S.
I was stupid, yes, but Jeff is an evil, abhorrent, detestable, and depraved, denouement “thing” that was still in his phase of wishing to destroy my life. This does not even include his “bogus” set-ups of attempting to get me arrested for the abuse of illegal narcotics that he facilitated, basically to entrap me, before and atrociously, by taking advantage of my borderline, if not psychoses after hearing my H.I.V. diagnosis during that specific summer of 2001. A very important statement of fact is that for two days after I was told by Jeff’s boyfriend Jerry that he intentionally infected me with H.I.V. and Jeff’s demonic responses to me when I approached him about it, I wanted to murder him for 2 days, not a fantasy, I desired to murder him (a few years later we had an amicable lunch together in my desire for an apology from him that never came, although he purchased me a candle, I suppose “even steven” for him, not for me), yet I did not murder Jeff. So, what would law enforcement have done if Jeff had ended up murdered somewhere by somebody else, target me in a “witch hunt” as that would have made more sense than their “mind fuck games”.
Before hearing my H.I.V. diagnosis, I was associating at the “Inn” in West Hollywood with 2 attractive blond newly acquainted friends of mine, Matthew and David. We got to know each other somewhat and this proved critical as what will be described momentarily. One of them, Matthew, drove me in my Hertz rental car (before it was stolen) and took me to the physician in Hollywood where I initially heard my H.I.V. diagnosis. I immediately went into severe psychological shock (as I was not aware of what that was then). While the physician was speaking, I felt something in the back of my head, i.e., the hypothalamus, like electricity that initiated specifically there and travelled throughout my whole body within a matter of a few seconds. What the physician was stating to me became distant, like we were in different dimensions. I was not under the best of physical and psychological conditions to even hear the news, yet it was extremely bizarre and I walked out of his office while the doctor was still speaking to me, went to Matthew being very upset at the news of my H.I.V. diagnosis (and realizing that it came from Jeff), and requested that we immediately depart. He drove me to his apartment and we spoke for a few hours, yet it is now and was then, hazy memories, although I do remember stating a lot of obscenities.
The next few days were precarious and I went to bed one night after being up for days, and the next morning I experienced “hysterical amnesia”, a temporary aftereffect of the severe psychological shock combined with other issues. I lost most of my memory. Matthew thoughtfully arrived that day at the “Inn” to check in on me, and when I asked him “are you my boyfriend”, he initially thought that I was playing a head game and/or faking. After a few minutes, he realized that it was for real. Over the course of the next few days, Matthew and David, at the “Inn”, repeated to me aspects of my life that I shared with them and little by little, I regained my memory. This seems implausible, and in fact, I used to believe that people with amnesia were faking. I now know for a certainty that this phenomenon is real.
During the whole course of that summer, I was continually yelling and talking to myself on the streets of Los Angeles (in a city of millions, apparently not one person called the police on me due to concern for mine or the public’s safety so that they would have to respond like the corrupt police departments multiple times claimed throughout the U.S.A. since then) and worse. Here is where the corrupt law enforcement comes in again, to repeat, I was never, not even once, stopped by law enforcement in 2001 in Los Angeles, although since then, I have been enormously harassed by the police in multiple cities, even St. Gallen, Switzerland, but exponentially much worse in the U.S.A., on what they claim is the same issue (hypocrisy and lies), yet they do not have all the true facts and whatever it is that they attempt/attempted to justify their reasons to stop me, even for speaking loud in public, it was a lot less than in it was in the summer of 2001 when I went into severe psychological shock, making it evident their duplicitous excuses for perpetual harassment up until even in 2009, due to likely being caught in a multitude of serious city, state, and federal laws that gained national and world attention. Here are some of the major Constitutional issues involved:
1. NO “NEXT FRIEND” LEGAL DESIGNEE GUARDIAN (MY PARENTS).
2. NO CONSENT FOR CLINICAL TRIALS/NO “INFORMED CONSENT”.
3. “APPLEGATE” PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE TORTURE INCREASED IN 2001.
4. GRAND THEFT AUTO OF MY HERTZ RENTAL CAR/LUGGAGE IN 2001-2008.
5. THEFTS OF MY CHROME PORN PHOTOGRAPHS FROM FALCON STUDIOS IN 2001 (WHY?).
6. THEFTS OF SEVERAL OF MY OTHER BELONGINGS, I.E. WATCHES, RING, ETC….
7. UNCONSTITUTIONAL & ILLEGAL SURRVEILLANCE.
8. BILL OF RIGHTS VIOLATIONS (TOO NUMEROUS TO STATE).
Another crucial legal point is that since the 1980’s, the lying, corrupt law enforcement have had several unsuccessful set-ups with me and boys “alone” in various cities of the U.S.A., even going as far as attempting to entrap me by bringing up the issues first on whether or not I wanted to have sex and/or pay for sex with little boys and black children and the corrupt law enforcement’s own surveillance will prove what I have just written if they ever have the common decency to tell the truth, although, it will likely be easier for Jesus Christ to pull Satan the Devil out of hell. This may have been why the “things” participated in “mind fuck games”, they erroneously thought that I committed crimes against children without a shred of credible evidence that they did not manufacture and/or frame me for.
These “things” sure lied a lot throughout the years on claiming to have all types of evidence against me in general psyche games (D.N.A., video, audio, photographs, eyewitnesses, etc…that obviously, if they truly had any of it, why would they need me to confess to whatever “it” is and not arrest me and produce it in legal Court Discovery proceedings like with all other cases in the U.S.A. Criminal Justice System). The “things” also illegally drugged me (in Los Angeles in 2001 and January 16, 2006 in St. Gallen, Switzerland), beating me handcuffed behind my back pounding my chest in Ft. Lauderdale, tasered me twice handcuffed behind my back and twice threatened to shoot me and the F.B.I. in the head in Dunn, North Carolina. Even Mark (a Hollywood Sheriff because he stated that he was friend with the West Hollywood Sheriff captain twice spit in my face when I gave him a 30-day notice to move out of his apartment and “Richard” from Australia that did the same that is a separate, yet connected incident as psychological provocation aggression that I kept my control as I knew that I could not react to these “things”.
In addition to that incident, Fayetteville, North Carolina, Los Angeles, California, West Hollywood, California, Anchorage, Alaska, Kenai, Alaska and other national police “Applegate”, including St. Gallen, Switzerland, played “head games” and continually have harassed me and threatened me over and over with arrest for “bogus” claims as all their attempted entrapments with boys failed and the other entrapments have Constitutional issues galore. The “things” were and are wrong, period, and all their psychological torture techniques, including sexual assaults (in multiple cities) and sexual harassments at work (touching my genitals simultaneously telling me that I am “going to hell for being a homosexual” in the kitchen of the Ft. Lauderdale restaurant that I worked at, calling my Swiss boyfriend and friends “assholes”, falsely accusing me of wrongdoing and breaking glass, and then, when I went out to my customers on the floor, ordering Heinekens and Martinis in attempts to get me to confess to still unstated crimes failed and did not react to their psychological warfare and sexual harassment. Even if I had been under the influence of tons of valium, for me to deliver Martinis without possible spilling it would be like winning the lottery due to a neurologic disease that I inherited from my mother and her mother of having “shaky” hands, perhaps because of adrenalin. They were emphatically wrong, committed horrendous crimes and attempted to justify it as “tests” and they obstinately refuse to make just compensation for and to go public about their own crimes, the ultimate example epitomizing double-standard hypocrisy. I was even illegally fired from this restaurant during that period as the owner stated that why is that I had a full-blown seizure at work (The Americans with Disabilities Act), that ironically, I had with a plain clothes police officer as a witness who called the paramedics for me at the time that the corrupt police were lying stating that I was “faking” my seizures for medications to alleviate my anxiety.
Let us return to late 1988 upon my first 2 nights of being kicked out of the house by my father due to being a homosexual. I immediately packed all my belongings into my automobile and headed towards the beach, a few miles away. That night, I fell asleep on the beach only to be awakened by a Huntington Beach Police Officer who shone a bright light in my face and threatened me with arrest if I did not leave the California State beach. I told the officer my situation, yet he stated “I do not care. If you do not leave this beach immediately, I will arrest you.” I was very somber about the Police Officer’s lack of solicitousness, and this is when I first began to be a soliloquist that soon later in 2001, when I went into psychological shock and hysterical amnesia over my H.I.V. diagnosis, it became excessive, bordering on acute eccentricity.
Next, to make a long story short, just before I became homeless, I answered an ad in a gay publication due to my obvious curiosity about gay pornography that I had for many years and eventually met a gay pornographic photographer/agent named Dennis, yet years later while I lived in Switzerland, he was murdered. We met and he introduced me to the then directors of Catalina Video. I was scheduled to do 2 films, yet I was still living at home and chickened out. Yet, after becoming homeless, I attempted very hard to gain legitimate employment and was unsuccessful. Then, after going days without food and going from 180 pounds to 150, eating one cheeseburger and a chocolate shake at Fat burger every 3rd day, sleeping in my car, at the beach, or at 24-hour fitness if I did not meet a date (this proved to be very traumatic due to some incidents that I am not willing to share at this point of my life, except the one African-American male who raped me when I was sleeping in addition to a few other incidents as that was a very precarious situation to be in). There were even other incidents after this that is no ones business, period.
Subsequently, I started walking on the streets of Santa Monica Boulevard to meet wealthy men for sexual encounters to make some money as the magazine escort business had not taken hold yet. I met a few older wealthy men who picked me up on the street, took me to their wealthy homes, they would penetrate me, pay me, then take me back to the Boulevard. One man in particular, who drove a Duisenberg and a Porsche, and whose grandmother left him with 100,000 shares of stock in AT&T and had a famous young actor as a neighbor, took me out to dinner a few times.
This lifestyle was very problematic for me so I decided that I would search for a “sugar daddy”, an older man who would pay for sexual pleasures as a good friend of mine in gay porn who was very famous, would not inform me on how to do this as he stated to me that I was not psychologically prepared to handle it, and in retrospect, he was right. Not only that, his stage name, Joey Stefano, his real name, Nick, was the only single person to take me in to his plush apartment when he found out about my life situation. I will always love, honor, and treasure him as when one becomes “down and out”, one finds whose one’s true friends are and I found out that I only had one, Nick. There were other issues Nick assisted me with, but for dignity’s sake, it will remain between us until we re-unite in the sacred.
I went on my own to the popular bar where a young gay man was to find a “sugar daddy”, and sure enough, within 5 minutes, I found one, or rather; he found me and offered me a drink and dinner. We both knew how this game was to be played out. He was a very generous man, drove a Corvette stingray, yet the “sex” with him was unbearable. After a few cocktails, we would go to his bedroom, he would turn on gay porno, he would start masturbating while sniffing poppers, his fat stomach would protrude from his underwear, he had a terrible odor that I still find repulsive, and a small penis that I would have to perform oral sex upon him to ejaculation. Afterward, we would have more cocktails; he would pay me, and then drive me back to West Hollywood. To his credit, he offered to purchase me a Porsche (I asked for a ’66 Mustang) if I remained with him after he paid for me to get into an apartment with a bi-racial (black and white) gay couple that I was friends with the African-American, to be there room mate in a nice Hollywood apartment where I had my own room. Soon, thereafter, I refused my “sugar daddy’s” offer and the room mate situation did not last long due to my black friend’s attraction to me and his paranoid boyfriend being nondescript, jealousy of me. I had no idea what to do at this point, so I moved out to a friend of mine’s house in Culver City.
At this point, I would like to mention that in 1989 I was “dating”, even if only for sexual reasons, the first blond hair, blue eyed male that I ever had sex with (and the first two blond hair, blue eyed males attracted to me), a professional model, Steven, (5 years older than me) that I met at “The Probe” who had famous friends and little while later, a blond hair, blue eyed future famous professional dancer. Due to Steven’s love and discretion, he certainly prevented me from acquiring H.I.V. that year by advising me not to sleep with his ex-boyfriend, another professional model who had H.I.V., that later died of a drug overdose. He also dated other people as our “circle” had “open” relationships. An example to prove this is that he was very friendly to a young man, blond hair, blue eyed that I was also dating who became a famous professional dancer when we all associated together. Lastly, in 2001, I would like to mention my delightful experience with a younger Mexican named Antonio, with a pretty face and nice body (until he gained weight), an incredible voice, and when he sang to me in Spanish while we had sex, it was an incredible experience, yet although having no “official” relationship, he was very controlling and later we lost contact.
Back to 1989, the problem of having no money was still persistent. I found my solution; I called up Dennis, and he set me up for some jobs in gay porno shots and for some videos, including major ones after a meeting with Larry, better known by his drag name of “Chi-Chi Larue”. Almost all my films were done with his direction (except for one rude porn agent that I will not honor with mentioning his name) and I will not elaborate on that too much to not sensationalize/glorify it, except to say initially I was underpaid and I never once saw anyone use illegal narcotics or unsafe sex during my time at the sets. My stage name was Chris Ramsey (Larry chose it), and although I was not very comfortable with this profession, it sure beat the hell out of my experiences with my “sugar daddy” and walking the streets of Santa Monica. The only drawback is that my self-esteem took a drastic downfall and simultaneously, I was exposed to harder, illicit drugs. This became the “perfect” escape coping mechanism (that I learned from my grandmother’s death at the age of 12) as from in less than one year, I went from a full-time minister, to a young male prostitute that resulted in being a professional gay pornographic actor and model, that later involved stripping and I was terrible at most all of it due to my tepidness and ideological beliefs. I was either too naïve or too smart not to say anything.
However, I did thoroughly enjoy four movies, one with a blond hair, blue eyed younger male and “Kurt” (his name in gay porn) in a 3-way in Malibu, another one with “Austin” (his name in gay porn) in West Palm Beach, Florida, a blond hair, blue eyed male (where I was the dominant one that we filmed at a famous singer’s home), and especially with a blond hair, blue eyed, perfect body, (a large penis and buttocks) “Bobby Golden” (his name in gay porn and he was dominant in this scene), as he was the only one throughout all those years that hugged me after we had sex (he is a heterosexual, married with children) and a few years later, stated to me when we ran into each other in West Hollywood, that our video together was the only fun that he had while in this business. The sex was great, yet it was the moments in-between filming when we spoke and his intimacy is what separated him from the rest. Are the blond hair, blue eyed examples and its connection to my experience in kindergarten starting to ring a bell? If not already, it will later. A “fixation” with blond hair, blue eyed males that may have meant more to me than the other “fixation” since it preceded the one that developed after kindergarten?
In 1989, I nearly became the Matthew Shepard a few years before he did due to an experience with 12-15 skinheads searching to seriously harm and/or kill gay people in West Hollywood. Ironically, I was at a mixed bar this evening with a white, heterosexual friend of mine who stripped for the famous Chippendales. He was first accosted by the skinheads while I was dancing. They started pushing him and I, although being smaller yet more aggressive, came to his rescue. This led to a melee where the main perpetrator and I were bleeding as we fell to the floor. My friend and I were not aware that they were skinheads out to harm homosexuals, even though the gay community was aware that in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, this was a huge problem for the city of West Hollywood that the sheriffs were a bit ambivalent that led to the city of West Hollywood to go on an employee drive to attract gay employees who would hopefully be more sympathetic to the abuses to homosexuals because the “hate crimes” actually led to some atrocious deaths of men just because of their sexuality.
My Chippendale’s dancer friend and I were kicked out of the bar by security as well as the skinheads. As I was not too knowledgeable of the skinhead phenomena at my young age, we started walking out to my car parked in the back alley. We were both slightly intoxicated from alcohol and the rush of being in an altercation. Suddenly, as we had already entered the back alley to my automobile, one van and one white truck screeched to a halt and I heard “there they are, get them.” Nearly 15 young white males with shaved heads (tattoos too) and all with baseball bats started running towards us. My friend immediately darted off down the alley, swerving to the main street of Santa Monica Boulevard that was well-lighted. Even though these bozos were belligerent and violent, I was oblivious to this life-threatening moment and hesitated until they nearly approached me. I looked around to see who they were chasing, and when I saw no one, my heart trembled. I dashed off just as the first skin head almost reached me as this “thing” strongly swung his bat and the edge was so close to my head that I could feel the friction that it created. If the bat had hit me, I would not be writing right now. To say that I was fearful is an understatement. I knew that I could not outrun them, so I went in between two buildings in hope to get to Santa Monica Boulevard. A death froze upon me as when I got to the back of the two apartment buildings, there was a chain fence with a tiny space to get through with a 20 foot or so drop off. I just knew that I was dead as the skin heads were almost there to murder me, not to have sex. I decided to squeeze myself in between the small crawl place (thank God for all the drugs that I had been using as I was at most, 145 pounds) and I barely managed to get through with some scratches and I jumped to safety.
As I reached Santa Monica Boulevard, I reunited with my friend who had my vehicle and we went to the security of the bar that we were at to ask who those thugs were. The security guard was an African-American and he told us that they were skin heads looking to kill some gay people, and when he heard that, he evicted all of them from the bar even after this incident (‘86’d). Years later, I went back to the location between the two apartment buildings. I met a middle-aged, slightly overweight gay male and asked for permission to look around. He was the property manager. Initially, he asked why as he remembered that incident more than a decade earlier. Incredulously, he asked me if I was one of the skin heads (the story of my life). After getting over the insult, I told him that I was the one running for my life. I asked him what happened since my friend and I did not see the skin heads around the corner. He stated that the commotion was heard by a father and son who lived in his apartment complex and a lesbian couple who also lived there. The property manager then stated that all of them chased the skin heads away and called the West Hollywood Sheriffs on them. What an odd combination to save my life. I wanted to personally thank his tenants, yet he said that they all moved out years ago and that it was a pleasure to meet me. We both relished in the fact, most importantly me, that I survived that attack and we made the unfortunate comparison to Matthew Shepard and how close I was to share his fate, yet perhaps even more vicious.
This experience that I had (and growing up gay) and comparing it to Matthew, was my main inspiration to write my book: “To Learn To Love” (with some chapters specifically inspired by his tragedy) as well as for other gay youths struggling with their sexuality conflicting with their parents’ and others selective use of sacred scripture to demonize them, or at least their homosexuality, and I wanted to scripturally empower them to balance out the speculative interpretations of the Bible that are selectively used against them so that they may have more scriptural firepower that more than evens the playing field as Biblical “facts” may not be so easily discarded for “Christians”. Do not use scientific fact as it will be endlessly debated. This is the only successful approach, as the reader may trust me as being a former right wing fundamentalist, I repeat, do not utilize scientific fact that may be endlessly debated.
The reason for all of this is to confront whoever rejects young homosexuals with the Biblical spin due to silly theologies/ideologies like I was in order for them to love and respect themselves at earlier ages, even if their family and friends reject them. This is so that they will not commit suicide, live long enough to have the cognitive abilities to understand this issue with a more balanced outlook, and to educate their parents who likely deeply love them yet are brainwashed by their religious leaders, and hopefully make a difference in ones who just chose to hate, likely due to their own sexual insecurities, and a significant difference for ones who truly love their younger homosexual children and friends. This is the manner in which I choose to utilize my gift of writing in hopes of helping others who may and may not experience some of these life experiences.
In hindsight, being what it is, 20/20, 1989, was a providential year as it forced me to survive in the most difficult predicaments and precarious situations and actually, despite the traumas, eventually became an expose of harmful ideologies and was the genesis of my later maturation to be able to later use my mind conceptually by freeing myself from myself. As I experienced more and more multiple traumas, my unhealthy coping mechanisms naturally increased that only solved the psychological damages until the effects of the drugs wore off and then I felt even more demoralized and this perpetual cycle became more and more complex, especially with the increased of severity of the corrupt law enforcement activities (that began in 1989 pertaining to psychological torture) that all had consequences that obviously, 2 decades later, their consciences have either been obliterated or they are suffering serious mental health issues of selective amnesia and experiencing multiple delusions of seeing me do things that I did not do and being places that I have never been (that still occur in 2009), in addition, to not seeing crimes done to me (in all these cities) and “forgetting” weapons that were used against me that I personally gave to them and they sealed them in a plastic bag and put into the trunk of their police vehicle including other eyewitnesses (Ft. Lauderdale).
While I was stuck in my electric chair (several early life traumatic events, unhealthy coping mechanisms, street life traumas, sexual fantasies, bath houses, and its rotating cycle), corrupt law enforcement went beyond the threshold of “doing their duty” to psychological war-like head games that is unparallel in the U.S.A. towards only one citizen for 2 decades. For example, in 1989, there came the time when I was attempting to sleep at 24-hour fitness (Sports Connection) where I had a fitness membership, when law enforcement entities initially began psychological warfare by having sounds emit out of the gym’s pipes (like 3 times and/or after “strangers”’ comments) after a night on the town, and much more horrible (when they “think” that someone is psychologically and physically at their weakest, like Satan the Devil with Jesus Christ after baptism waiting until the end of the 40 days with no food to “test” Him). It became worse to any decent persons’ consternations, despite ideological differences as the basic rule of law 101 is this:
What does law enforcement/prosecutors “allege”/”suspect” that someone has done and what true facts do they have to support it? Anything else is irrelevant and progresses to “witch hunts”, even with discreditable “circumstantial” evidence that may even be inadmissible for constitutional issues. Everything else are fantasies and misconduct by law enforcement officials, attorneys, prosecutors, judges, etc…, usually done by ones with ulterior and/or nefarious motives, even the denial to accept that they were wrong, as only Jesus Christ Himself was perfect.
To emphasize U.S.A. (and world) civil, human, and constitutional rights issues, these “things”, rather than “doing their duty” if they identify someone “under the influence”, decided to utilize psychological warfare (“mind fuck games”, their phrase, not mine, as it is beneath me and I am much more educated than most, if not all of the “things”), that in effect, is torture as summarily defined as inflicting severe physical and or psychological pain as punishment for coercion and/or convoluted objectives, no different than the mafia with licenses. The reason is as such: why else would these “things” tolerate my nominal actions at this point in time (I never sold or transferred illegal narcotics, I was just a drug addict) when we had and still have an acrimonious relationship with reciprocal psychological warfare (that I learned from observing what they did to me) as they were probably experiencing hypothalamus orgasms by committing “mind fuck games” and observing it’s vile, unscrupulous effects similar to the Romans in their historic period of time enjoy watching gladiators and lions eat the early Christians in fear of their lives.
The Nazi “things” on steroids would also utilize bird sounds, dogs (animals in general), sounds emitting from inside locations’ electrical appliances, in-between drywall, outside “phony” conversations, their computers, sounds emitting from automobiles without identifying themselves (a direct violation of the U.S.A. Constitutional “Miranda” Law of being informed of ones’ rights without self-incrimination (and other Bill of Rights Constitutional Laws, e.g., the 6th Amendment with the right to an attorney present), leading by lights by brightening the next one after the next ones as directions and/or cues just for kicks and giggles (leading me to a dungeon, an unlocked apartment with lighting fixtures that police use where two females and a male came in minutes after I entered with a dog, and outrageously, once directly to a police station where there was no person in sight, apparently, very funny). Obviously, I accept responsibility for my actions, yet these “things” still have not done so themselves to this day about their physical and psychological torture, instead, they chose and choose by their own “free-will” to abuse their authority, to inflict as much psychological harm (and physical) upon a single individual as possible who they “thought” were “tweaking” (the effects of the illegal narcotics wearing off and the paranoia associated with it) due to the effects of abusing illegal narcotics (with or without attempting to understand what was happening within a person’s mind or if there were any other legal reasons, mitigating circumstances, and oblivious to perhaps being investigated themselves, true or not. Instead, these “things” just “rushed to judgment”).
Instead of “doing their duty” and occasionally, they were wrong about me even being under the influence, they would just always go back to that as an easy fragmentary part of my life, the “things” escalation into evil and wicked atrocities only increased towards me throughout the years, specifically in Los Angeles, West Hollywood, and Ft. Lauderdale as the worst offenders, yet the police corruption started in Anchorage, Alaska. I am certain that Hitler from hell is giving these “things” a standing ovation (due to committing evil atrocities and justifying it in the name of the law like he did and even under the guise of “justice” wrapped around the American flag). There is a likely a special place just for them in hell when they arrive there upon completion of their despicable lives here on the earth. When we reach the year 2001, this is a forewarning to the reader that discretion is advised as the “things” actions and mine will become more vexing to the sensitive than what has already been written.
There approached a moment in Culver City, where I could have gone to San Francisco with a drug dealer friend of the person’s house where I was living who was attracted to me (thank God that it was not reciprocal that in itself is prodigious) as I regained communication with my family in Alaska due to being disgusted with the events that I was experiencing. Thus, with borrowed money from my paternal American-Indian grandfather (“Chada” in our language, “old man”) to drive my vehicle from Los Angeles to Alaska with minimal money and no spare tire that was extremely dangerous due to the Alcan (Alaska-Canadian highway) not being all the way paved yet and with gas stations at a very large distance away from one another. On one occasion, my gas tank was on empty for nearly 50 miles in complete wilderness close to the other side of the Alaska-Canada border.
This is where I truly believe in destiny, as although I already knew a few gay friends in Anchorage, Alaska during my experimental stage, I ended up arriving safely and on the first night in Anchorage, August 25, 1989, after visiting my family in their trailer (my sister Lori), I went to the local gay bar with young people and met Silvio, a very attractive Swiss-German-Italian young man 2 years older than me through a mutual friend (ironically, a J.W. who was not supposed to be there) and we instantly hit it off. What is so reverent about our meeting is that Silvio’s parents had him when they were in their 40’s, they never left their home nation of Switzerland, and even on all their vacations throughout their lifetimes (his father is now deceased). Yet, since he was a little boy, Silvio was fascinated about the U.S.A. and our national parks and always had an immense desire to come to America, and he did despite his parent’s objections. Silvio and his Swiss friend travelled all over the U.S.A. and Alaska was their last stop. For us to come into contact seemed far more than implausible, it was nearly impossible. Additionally, even as a J.W., I always prayed to Jehovah God to find a boyfriend whom I was attracted to and that we would be compatible with one another. Of course, I never expected that to happen. Yet, on one of his last nights in the U.S.A., in Alaska no less, we met and are still together almost 19 years later.
This next section will be about Silvio and my relationship, the roller-coaster ride of a relationship, especially when for most of these years, we legally were not permitted to live in one another’s country (although that has changed in Switzerland as the U.S.A. lags behind the rest of the Western world on this issue). There were many good times and travels, and bad times. I will focus on the good despite our separation anxiety traumas when we were forced to separate in addition to Silvio’s admirable attributes and loyalty through the years and our travels together. Basically, this is to describe the enormous and multiple separation anxieties and its subsequent emotionally traumas that we experienced each time we had to separate, mostly due to the laws of the U.S.A. and Switzerland during the majority of our nearly 19-years together when we would have to “hide” in one another’s country past the time limits due to homosexual couples not having the same civil and human rights as heterosexual couples, especially ones that may prove a very long relationship. This is not a discourse to promote “Gay Marriage” and/or “Domestic Partnerships” for heterosexuals who wish not to marry and homosexuals, just to explain the social injustices of keeping a selective group of people that love one another by excluding them from the rights of others due to ideologies that procures needless pain and suffering, for me personally, traumas that led to more traumas that led to more traumas, due to different people adjusting to the good and bad experiences in life differently for too many various reasons to discuss.
Fortunately, Switzerland and many nations in Europe and around the world, now grants these rights to couples such as us, yet naturally, the U.S.A., the self-proclaimed leader of freedom, justice, and the right to pursue happiness in the world, does not grant the identical civil and human rights to all of their citizens, excluding ones not approved by a portion of society due to their “religious” beliefs. It is not about “special” rights, it is about equal rights as the same “fear tactics” were used against American Indians, women during the Suffrage movement, and African-Americans during slavery and the Civil Right’s movement in the 1960’s, and these same hypocrites utilize the identical “fear tactics” for any of their objectives, according to the dictionaries, a form of terrorism. Perhaps these same “fear tactics” should be used against only heterosexual Caucasian people when they become the minority? God help us all if we resort that despicable level, yet, it is a thought to ponder.
The 1990’s, during the separation between me and Silvio, mostly due to the laws of our nations, sometimes due to relationship difficulties, proved to be quite diverse as we lived in various places in Switzerland and the U.S.A. (Los Angeles, Ft. Lauderdale, and Anchorage, Alaska, where the police corruption, “Applegate”, started that will be explained shortly). This is when we went back and forth and made several attempts to succeed. For innumerable reasons, our goals never merged into what we envisioned and that is another deliberation for another juncture.
Before I begin the next part, I would like to comment on the first separation that Silvio and I had. We decided that we needed to depart from one another for a while to decide the future of our relationship by spending 6 weeks in Hawaii and then I would relocate to Los Angeles. Hawaii was absolutely gorgeous. Upon returning to Los Angeles, I settled in a very old apartment complex in old Hollywood by Gower. It was a momentous occasion as we were still in my early 20’s. This is when I (Silvio too) first experienced separation anxiety traumas. The first night sleeping in a bed alone in years was very difficult and I did not think that it could get any worse, all alone in Los Angeles in a dingy apartment complex on the top floor. Then came the second night as about 4:30 a.m., Pacific Standard Time, still dark and approaching dusk, I awoke to a terrible roar, the ground was violently shaking back and forth, I saw multiple explosions outside my window, the floor of the apartment was starting to cave in and the ceiling of the apartment was falling down. I was terrified more than any point in my life in this situation as Armageddon had arrived, or so I thought. Actually, it was the infamous Northridge earthquake. My first response (while “believing” that it was Armageddon and those Christians were “right” and that I was going to be killed by God for living a homosexual lifestyle and leaving the Jehovah’s Witness religion) was to call my family in Alaska. I fumbled to locate the phone that dropped during the rumblings of the earthquake, as I had no flashlight or candles and the electricity had gone out. Once I located the telephone, I was pleased to hear a tone. I attempted to reach anyone in my family in Alaska and repeatedly received a busy signal. Subsequently, I decided to try and reach Silvio and called Switzerland as he was still living with his parents.
Amazingly, I was able to get through and with my hysterics and infantile Swiss-German speaking abilities, Silvio’s parents did not know why I was horrified and certainly could not understand me as first his mother answered and then his father, Hermo (who spoke limited English) got on the telephone. Somehow, we managed to communicate enough that I found out that Silvio was at work (Hermo gave me Silvio’s work telephone number) and this confused me as I thought that Armageddon was to strike the world simultaneously. Nevertheless, I was able to understand Hermo enough to call Silvio. Naturally, not affected and not knowing about the earthquake in California, Silvio was quite bewildered on what I was terrified about. Eventually we both deduced that it must have been an earthquake and I told Silvio in detail everything that occurred and what was still happening as the “aftershocks” while we were still speaking are significant earthquakes themselves.
Silvio ordered me to immediately exit the building and to get off the phone. I did as he asked, yet there was a problem. I could see into the hallway once I managed to cross the uneven floor to open my apartment door, however, past the doorway, I could not see a thing. Unwilling to risk walking out due to the unknown, I heard people out on the streets on the sidewalk talking, flashlights, and the sound of a radio. I yelled out the window if there was someone who could come upstairs to assist me as I had no flashlight or candle as I had just moved in. I did this in English and Spanish. A Mexican male came upstairs the eventually “condemned” building as the elevator was out of commission. He reached my apartment and guided down outside of the building (how poignant that it takes tragedies for people off all ethnicities and differences to come together and help one another out, even complete strangers, that I discovered during this event as I repeatedly observed this phenomena, when normally, these same people, strangers, would avoid one another).
This is when I found out that indeed, it was a major earthquake, yet there had yet to be a determination of what the level of it would be on the Richter scale as we saw damage everywhere and people in their nightclothes all standing on the streets. We all assumed it was a plus-8 while we were listening to the radio, and were very surprised that it was initially stated a 6.9 (later dropped to 6.7). Later that morning, we received the “clear” to re-enter the apartment building, yet it was quite unnerving and I was “re-experiencing” the psychological trauma of the initial earthquake (other people too). After the electricity came back on and watching the news reports, there were multiple severe aftershocks that were quite intense, so it did not have a calming effect upon anyone that I was around. It was explained on the news that since we lived so close to the hills on the other side of Northridge (the “Valley”), that is why it seemed to be more severe than it was actually being recorded. Fortunately, if this earthquake had happened a few hours later on crowded freeways and buildings, it would have been devastating. Yet, the severe psychological trauma of this earthquake lives with me today as Silvio and I had just separated, I was alone, and I was still quite a bit brainwashed by J.W. theology and truly thought that it was Armageddon. Many weeks of meditation after this event, I realized the absurdity of it all. Now, let us move on to something more pleasing.
The good about the 1990’s: I started college in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, lived by the beach with Silvio, in a gay environment, and our travels that included Hawaii, Key West, New York, Las Palmas, Spain, Paris, France, Amsterdam, Netherlands, and many other locations throughout central Europe. The exposure to a cross-section of different nations (even in the U.S.A.), cultures, histories, and the beginning to have the ability to conceptually think at more illuminated levels due to all these experiences, opened my mind and allowed for further growth later on. For privacy and respect purposes between me and Silvio, most of our personal life will be left out of this as it would only be a distraction. The only point that I will make, is that during my life struggles, it was obviously very difficult for him.
There was a dilema in Ft. Lauderdale, when during one of Silvio and my relationship struggles, he returned to Switzerland. Alone, I would often go to the local strip clubs. To a huge surprise to me, I was about 27, I met a stripper who was then 21 from Sweden who grew up in France, with blond hair, blue eyes, perfect face and thin, muscular body, beautiful ass, large penis, and very gregarious, named Karl. Very unexpectedly, he agreed to go out with me. Surprisingly, we fell in love as I never thought that one could fall in love with more than one person, yet the physical attributes of Karl is what I always imagined since kindergarden on who I imagined that I would be with, „fixated“, (does this make sense?) Yet, for most of my life, American gay guys who looked liked that were not attracted to me, (except for the professional model in Los Angeles in 1989 that was 26-years old when I was 21 and the professional dancer).
Suddenly, this very beautiful blond from Sweden, a bit younger than me (the perfect age for me at the time), that I always „dreamed“ about dating, liked me just as much, perhaps more, and we became very intimate, although not as much sex as either of us would have liked due to the fact that my relationship with Silvio was in limbo. In fact, Chris, our landlord who was often around us, years later stated to me that what he remembered the most about us was that we never stopped romantically touching one another, even while just watching television and that is true. It became a difficult situation for all involved when Silvio decided to forgive me for my infidelity and „night-life“ experiences and returned to Ft. Lauderdale. As my father always would say about me, “Son, you are one to ride the river with” and this referred to loyalty. Silvio and my relationship was on again and Karl and my relationship was over. Karl, although being very young, gracefully departed and was friendly to Silvio, yet I immensely regret never telling him how much I loved him (someday I would like to) and in any different situation, I would never have been the one to break off our delightful time together. As karma would have it, I only have had 2 boyfriends and it happened at the same time.
The bad about the 1990’s: the police and federal corruption, “Applegate”, that began in Anchorage, Alaska with defamations about me (with boys, drug dealing, being an undercover F.B.I. law enforcement, and who knows what else) that are not going to be dignified by me except for a reference in the next paragraph, continued to escalate and spiraled out of control as a small snowball rolling down a mountain. My disdain for corruption is apparent and I do not wish to be too discursive, although it is deserved.
I do realize that my encounters into the “night-life” (that will not be glorified and/or sensationalized) simultaneous with my deeper involvement in adult gay porn and stripping to assist me with paying for college and the bills, certainly did not do me any favors (or racist, homophobic, corrupt law enforcement hearing me repeatedly state the „fantasy“ with multiple black males). The corrupt law enforcement, “Applegate” (due to forbidden pleasures), egregiously thought that I sincerely wanted to have sex with little boys 9they were wrong) and decided since they could not get any real evidence, to frame me. These “things”, not going on evidentiary fact, just an hypothesis while omitting our own psychological warfare going back and forth, abused their technology while having me under surrveillance and listening in to my telephone conversations.
Simultaneously, they also had computer surrveillance on me (“the F.B.I.’s “Carnivore” system, that is re-named) and incorporated major news stories into “news” headlines whenever I eneterd my personal Yahoo mail account (also, my delivered newspapers and those in nearby newspaper stands, even immedialey manufacturing „bogus“ newspapers and headlines, i.e., in 2001 when they foolowed me to Pacific Oaks Medical Group for a doctor’s appointment) by intercepting certain words and phrases during audio/video surrveillance, including the profiled specific likes/dislikes of an individual, and incorporating them into articles as psychological warfare while having audio and video surrveillance to observe reactions and for them to interpret them and hope that the “suspect” confesses to what is alleged about them.
The objective: after profiling (described in more detail in the next section) a “suspect”, then modifying the news and its headlines in newspapers, internet, and all other media forums, clandestine law enforcement working at ones’ employment and incorporating what they eavesdropped into conversations between themselves and asking the „suspect‘ questions, etc…to what they allege that someone has done in attempts to psychologically unnerve to psychologically „break“ a person.
Atrociously, they first did this with one of my favorite muscians, the recently decased Michael Jackson (who like me, grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness), who made an out-of-court settlement with a youth that “claimed” that he was molested by Mr. Jackson (who always denied that) and when a few years later, during, before he was acquitted, Michael Jackson went on trial for child molestation and the corrupt law enforcement would compare our lives and attempt to put half-truths, with partial spin truth, and absolute lies in the Yahoo news headlines, media publications, and co-workers speech in order to “break” a person, me, psychologically into a confession and/or confessions to their lies, that obviously did not occur. Later, the corrupt law enforcement did this with Kobe Bryant of the Los Angels Lakers (my favorite N.B.A. player on my favorite N.B.A. team) that I will explain in detail in a moment. That will make it easier to understand what was happening and did happen.
We will move backwards to January 2000 (we will return to 2001), when I had a triumphant return to college and was attending Ft. Lewis College in Durango, Colorado to complete my B.A. degree in Sociology & Human Services. I arrived there with Silvio after we enjoyed the new centenial in New Mexico. This was so that we could then drive to Durango, Colorado. Being in the 4-corners area had a spiritual effect upon me as I was able to re-focus on my life goals. It was very frigid in Durango, yet very beautiful. Initially, I was undecided on what to major in, and after much deliberation, I decided that I would study a subject that I knew the least about, Sociology, as a stepping-stone to attend law school (that would have been January 2002 or August 2002 as my goal was set for U.C.L.A. or another Southern California major reputable college).
The Sociology professors and students were friendly, yet it was an atypical experience for me as I was 31, in-between the ages of the students and the professors, slightly more to the students with an exception or two. I knew exactly what I was there for and I was determined to succeed after faltering at Broward Community College after three successful years. An ironic note here is that when I first arrived, I was complaining to an older American Indian male that was a former police officer who was shot on duty, thus, being sent to Ft. Lewis College to learn a new profession due to his disability, stated to me: „Gerry, let me tell you what I told my daughter when she complained about this same issue while in college. You are here at the college to earn your degree, not to make friends. Friends are extra, so just focus on your goal of earning your degree.“ That was great advice.
Experiences at Ft. Lewis College was impeccable. During th Sociology „Block“ program, a significant requirement of their degree program was public service, and I chose to intern at the State of Colorado Public Defenders‘ office. As an intern, I participated in investigations, assisted attorneys and paralegals, and was responsible for graphing trends in eyewitness testimony, and acquired a variety of other legal skills. I also tutored elementary school aged children from low-income households for a local church, and was an intern for a program that assited juveniles in the Criminal Justice System. I am deeply grateful to my professors and mentors in these programs that still have had an enormous impact upon my cognitive and other abilities.
During the time in Durango, Colorado, I had a paranormal dream/vision for the second time, nothing before, and nothing after, that involved 4 rows of 4 (44), various types of blue circles that I have never seen before in multiple dimensions (I was not under the influence of anything, even legal, when these dreams/visions occurred), 8 identical, 16 total, multi-dimensional, that emitted musical sounds that I understood as a language with a spiritual guide who communicated with me via telepathy. The vision also included a „circle around the sun“ counsel from the spiritual guide. The sacred implications and being in the 4-corners area of American-Indian history that I am an ethnic part of being is a very meaningful link to me, yet it is something surrepitous with our culture. It is a congruity that I will forever keep the revelations to myself out of respect for my people, heritage, and for myself due to so many reasons, that one would have to take a course and study American Indian Philosopohy to comprehend its divine importance before any profane disparagement of any further conversation. I will state that, as an American Indian on my paternal side, it naturally had an impact upon my discernment and interpretations of furture events, i.e., at Saas Fee, Switzerland with observing a „circle around the sun“ that triggered me to begin writing, as instructed by the spiritual guide, whether it is considered superstitous or sacred, the reader may choose for themselves.
To balance out the intense college course load, I would make trips to Aspen, Colorado and Denver, Colorado in addition to Los Angeles, California to visit the gay community and people whom I met on-line in chat rooms. These vacations will not be discussed for discretionary purposes due to on-going legal issues, yet at some future time, I will elaborate on them as they are extremely fascinating and are consistent with this part of my life as other legal omissions for future attempts to catch people and corrupt law enforcement in more perjury and to prove collusions and conspiracies that are normally, impossible to prove, yet not in my case. One day, I would like to share all of these experiences with the public, yet those unknown varibles are out of my control and fall under attorney-client privledge, but, eventually I will speak about almost everything after the legal issues are solved with documented proof and my attorney’s approval.
I graduate college on June 1, 2001 with my parents and sister Gina present. It was an equivocal experience for me personally, although being the 1st person of my immediate family to earn a college degree, as my ambitions were set much higher as I had at this point intended to attend law school and/or graduate school and to eventually earn my Ph.d in a chosen field to specialize in a particular area of academia. I only was not certain yet on the specific discourse other than law. After the graduation ceremony, I left for Los Angeles and although in hindsight, this proved to be a hasty decision, what was done was done.
In Los Angeles, my intention was to assimilate into Southern California life after spending a few weeks „relaxing“ in the environment as I had recently received a large amount of money from my corporation. I was not properly focused upon my arrival and became distracted from my goals and objectives as I planned on 2-weeks of recuperation (and night- life), then to focus on graduate school, even for the following year by locating a residence and finding suitable employment for my education level. Perhaps due to reminiscent memories and/or just a remission into my previous lifestyle, instead of renumeration, my life became renascent as I relinquished (consciously and/or unconsciously) my compulsions. Needless to say, this proved to be a disaster as the previous discussion on my experiences with Jeff.
I will not glorify/sensationalize my night-life at this stage, other than to acknowledge the psychological shock and hysterical amnesia that I expericed after hearing my H.I. V. Diagnosis that kept changing from positive to negative to positive due to corrupt law enforcement, my unhealthy coping mechanisms, primarily at gay bath houses (not everyone there engages in illegal activities) that included being „stuck“ on „fantasies“ , (the fixation upon a certain experience of having sex with multiple male African-Americans simultaneously in excellent physical shape with a large part of their anatomy, in a prison/jail setting, with or without the influence of any chemicals, yet primarily with and variations of it), due to previous sexual traumas and the pernicious recurrent recollections of episodes that I will not propagate or disseminate. I am certain that it has been done enough already, even incorrectly. Yet basically, I have alluded to a few experiences that even my childhood medical records, and college records before I relized that „Applegate“ was occurring, make references too in addition to events that it is seriously doubtful that the perpetrators that are alive would even admit to.
Anything else mentioned at this stage is under attorney-client privledge and to report further on it would be tabloid journalism. This is a major reason why I rebuke the corrupt law enforcement excuses for their constitutional, civil rights, and human rights abuses with several incidents of perjury. The ‚things“ did this in order to desperately make attempts to legitimize, rationalize, substantiate and defend the indefensible as their own documentation, surrveillance, and reports impugn themselves as their psychological warfare, „mind fuck games“ improprieties do not absolve their actions and its consequences as they certainly, being well-trained, knew what they were doing and are not ascetic monks.
Therefore, we will move on the the activities of the corrupt law enforcement in Los Angeles as their primary objective with me, especially at this stage and since the late 1980’s was not amity or due to „good-will“ as they are withholding exculpatory evidence and their public relations campaign is fragmented at best and digresses from the main constitutional issues as they excoriate their atrocities simultaneously „labelling“ me an execrable person by „cherry picking“ and distorting my life. It has been „lie after lie after lie“ and „a pattern of deliberate deception“ as another American family experienced and experiences with our government when they have been caught in corruption. The „things“ do this since they realize the civil, criminal and other liabilities and are attempting to minimize their crimes, and atrociously, attempting to indeminify their legal culpabilities due to attorney-directed deceit and duplicity by misconstruing my life, mixing in partial truth, with half-truths, and outright lies, mostly for monetary reasons even though all police departments and their cities have insurance policies for civil litigation purposes. This is even more abhorrent as they are currently doing this without my single attorney present and/or contacting him (6th Amendment). This is likely the main reason, including U.S.A. military involvement.
Next, was in 2001, (due to psychological profiling that is similar to the „things“ utilization of Michael Jackson), my favorite N.F.L. player, Brett Farve, on my favorite team, the Green Bay Packers, wearing my favorite number, ‘4’ and the January 2002 play-off game against the St. Louis Rams while I was staying at the Ramada West Hollywood before travelling to Switzerland to be with Silvio as I was in a state of psychological shock from the H.I.V. diagnosis, that kept changing back and forth (an impossibility as when a human being has antibodies to a virus, they always have it, negating „false“ negatives that any physician may verify) as psychological warfare. All summer and fall 2001, the corrupt law enforcement set me up with numbers: 1=yes; 2=no; 3=emphasis; 4=for; 5=law; 6=”fix”, in this case, a legal “fix” to convict that has now been reversed; 7=perfect and/or even; 8=it; 9=’I’ (like the U.S.A. money denominations numbers and letters corresponding to one another, A=1 to Z=26).
The “things” already knew that I have epilepsy and out of eplipetic medication and to their nature, took advantage of the situation, psychological, economic, emotional, physical concurrent infliction of distresses (i.e., when I lived in a studio apartment at 750 ½ S. Orange Grove Avenue, #D with an addendum that the „things“ shone a very bright light directly on my pillow, bounced balls against the wall all night, and only at night, the same song being played over and over, basically, the identical tactics that the F.B.I. used in Waco, Texas). Only after each Farve interception, the „things“ would flash strange lights very fast on the hotel television to trigger seizures and/or discomfort with instantaneous phrases displayed very fast on the television screen, such as “family secrets” (no, I repeat, no family names were displayed and no reactions by me other than the beginnings of seizures and if the surrveilance is subpoenaed, it will prove everything that I have ever written and spoken on these issues), and other repugnant psychological warfare techniques that suggested that Brett Farve was “throwing” the game. The television screen even had bizarre „flashes“ when the Green Bay Packers‘ fumbled twice, the numbers „6“ and „2“=“8“ (‚fix‘-‚you‘, ‚it‘, in this case, a legal fix in a negative manner to convict when combining all the other corrupt law enforcement activities that simultaneously occurred).
I was beginning to have seizures, so I left the hotel room to go to the gym across Santa Monica Boulevard and when I arrived, I went into the jacuzzi to relax. I was being stalked from the hotel to the gym, and inside the jacuzzi, a bizarre sight. There were 3 young males with just their shorts on being strangely completely silent staring at me and making gesticulate expressions like a baseball coach and/or manager (I wish that I could see that again). Stress induces seizures in epileptics and/or makes it worse, like strobe lights and diet, so I returned to the hotel room.
There is more to report on this like the next morning, when “Rick Watts” (he told me that it is not his real name and displayed to me his true driver’s license) offered to take me to the airport (the night before, my father called from Alaska and told me that I should avoid him due to my the fact that I shared with my dad information about him). Nevertheless, I allowed him to come to the Ramada Hotel.
„Rick Watts“ he kept repeating the name “Richard” over and over and in different tones and loudness. It was very unusal to me and I did not react, although I thought that he was referring to the drug dealer in West Hollywood named “Richard” with dyed blond hair that I was introduced to by another person, not on my own (that is a critical legal point on entrapment).
What preceded the January 2002 Ramada West Hollywood incident makes this even more abhorrent. It was when I moved out of my apartment, I called „The Padded W ag on“, for moving my furniture to a storage unit, and the two male „employees“ (likely L.A.P.D. Police Officers)„ for 750 ½ S. Orange Grove Avenue, #D, kept „hitting“ my furniture and damaging it (my female housekeeper is an eyewitness). I requested that they stop and return my furniture out of their truck as I was going to call a different moving company. They refused and I called the Los Angeles Police Department (L.A.P.D.) that never arrived despite several 9/11 calls. After 30 minutes (perhaps waiting for instructions from a higher authority), the „Padded Wagon“ „employees“ departed with my furniture, in effect, theft, and still, no response from L.A.P.D. an obvious attempt to inflict psychological distress. Compound that with what has already been written and what will further be written.
Now, the reader will understand why I call these „things“ for what they are, „things“ disguised as human beings as they took enjoyment out of everything that they were doing, including stealing my Hertz rental car at „Tashman’s Hardware“ store parking lot with their arrow in West Hollywood due to corrupt law enforcement directions of sounds emitting from the automobile, („Miranda“ Law and 6th Amendement and other Bill of Rights violations), in the summer of 2001 with my luggage and designer clothes worth several thousands of dollars and the „Tashman’s“ business location on Santa Monica Blvd. (I reported the theft of the auto to the West Hollywood Sheriff department). Their reply, a joke, they sent an African-American, (due to the „fantasy“), who initially refused to take the stolen vehicle report as he stated: „I am not going to take the stolen vehicle report because there are so many stolen vehicles in Los angeles, you will never find yours.“ Eventually, another city’s police department did locate the vehicle, yet most of my possessions were stolen as they were many times throughout the years during their „stings“.
As previously written, the psychological warfare continued as it also occurred with my favorite N.B.A. team, the Los Angeles Lakers (due to psychological profiling), first with Shaq (‘Q’) and then when an opportunity presented itself with my favorite player, Kobe Bryant, wearing my second favorite number, ‘8’ (it-„rape“), at the time, went on trial for an „alleged rape” in Colorado where I completed college, and the corrupt law enforcement in Los Angeles again utilized, during, before he was acquitted, similar to Michael Jackson, compared our lives and put half-truths, mixing with partial truth, and absolute lies in the Yahoo news headlines, media publications, and co-workers speech in order to “break” a person, me, psychologically into a confession and/or confessions to their lies. It obviously did not occur despite the “things” lies to cover-up their psychological torture throughout 2 decades at my home, my work, my gym, my computers, public places (gay and straight), gay bath house, public transportation, etc…and their obvious motives to cover-up these atrocities due to civil litigation by me and the celebrities and sports stars that they utilized (known or unknown), histories, legacies, reputations, and their secrets being revealed to the nation and the world.
These crimes against humanity, that I will give even more detail, happened at all locations that I resided the past 2-decades, including Anchorage, Alaska, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, especially Los Angeles, California, and West Hollywood, California, North Carolina and other locations. Here is an example after defining the U.S.A. Constutional Bill of Rights, of what was used while I was in a state of psychological shock and recovering from „hysterical amnesia“ while staying at an „Inn“ in West Hollywood, California in 2001:
Before those details, I will just make a brief explanation on what are civil rights and list the U.S.A. Constitutional „Bill of Rights“, followed by some police, federal, and diplomat secrets that initially were utilized against me:
1. Civil Rights are basically defined as citizens’ rights to equality and liberty. Liberty, is defined “The Shorter Oxford Dictionary”, 5th Edition, as: “Exemption of freedom from arbitrary, despotic (absolute power or control) rule or control….Freedom from the bondage of the law….The condition of being able to act in any desired way without restraint; power to do as one likes.” Liberty, therefore, is freedom, subsequently, rights and equality afforded to citizens, and for this article, the guarantees of the Untied States of America’s (U.S.A.) Constitutional Laws for all American citizens. This includes the fundamental basic freedoms of “The Bill of Rights” protected by the U.S.A. Constitution. The first ten Amendments to the Bill of Rights are generally accepted as the foundation of American society and frequently taken for granted unless it is taken away from an individual and/or group.
Listed below is the Bill of Rights:
Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
Amendment II A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
Amendment III No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Amendment IV The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Amendment V No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Amendment VI In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favour, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
Amendment VII In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States , than according to the rules of the common law.
Amendment VIII Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Amendment IX The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Amendment X The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
Prepared by Gerald Murphy (Cleveland Free-Net - aa300). Distributed by the Cybercasting Services Division of the National Public Telecomputing Network (NPTN). Permission is hereby granted to download, reprint, and/or otherwise redistribute this file, provided appropriate point of origin credit is given to the preparer(s) and the National Public Telecomputing Network.
Now that you have read that, please read on on what was utilized against me as psychological warfare:
PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE TECHNIQUE EXAMPLES
THE TELEVISION SERIES „ALL IN THE FAMILY“ MARATHON THAT I WATCHED AT THE „INN“ AS THE CHARACTER ‚ARCHIE BUNKER‘ WORE HIS MARRIAGE RING ON HIS MIDDLE FINGER, SLIGHTLY ENLARGED AND BLURRED, SOMETHING THAT I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE. ADDITIONALLY, LAW ENFORCEMENT THROUGHOUT THE YEARS HAVE HAD ALTERED ADULT VIDEOS (HETEROSEXUAL AS WELL AS HOMOSEXUAL) WITH RINGS ON THE MIDDLE FINGERS OF THE MODELS THAT WERE PUTTING THEIR FINGERS INTO THE BEHIND OPENINGS, VAGINAL OPENINGS, THEIR MOUTHS, ETC... OF THE OTHER MODELS. (THIS WAS BIZARRE TO ME BECAUSE AS A FORMER GAY ADULT MODEL, WE WERE ALL INSTRUCTED NOT TO WEAR ANY JEWELERY). THIS ALSO INVOLVES CHANGING THE TITLES AND THE NAMES OF THE FILM CREDITS AND HAS HAPPENED IN ANCHORAGE, WEST HOLLYWOOD, AND FT. LAUDERDALE, EVEN „VOICEOVERS“ INTO MUSIC (AT THE BATH HOUSES AND ELSEWHERE), I.E., RAP SONGS AND OTHER SONGS THAT I ALREADY KNEW THE CORRECT LYRICS TOO, SUGGEST FALSE ALLEGATIONS OF ME WHEN THEY PERCEIVED IN PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL WEAKENED STATES (AS PREVIOUSLY STATED AND WORTH REPEATING, LIKE SATAN THE DEVIL WAITING UNTIL AFTER JESUS WENT WITHOUT FOOD FOR 40 DAYS AFTER BAPTISM DUE TO PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL GREATEST LACK OF STRENGTH) BY UTILIZING THE IDENTICAL PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE OF MY SPECIFIC LIFE (DATE OF BIRTH, TIME OF BIRTH, FAMILY AND FRIENDS LOOK-A-LIKES AND THEIR CLOTHING, FAMILY NAMES, CO-WORKERS‘ NAMES, THE „CREDITS“ ON TELEVISION SHOWS AND FILMS, „VOICEOVERS“ AND MUSICAL CHANGES ON TELEVISION SHOWS AND FILMS, ETC...I.E., (THE „HIT MAN“ IN FT. LAUDERDALE AT ONE OF THEIR LOCAL GAY BATH HOUSES.)
We have briefly discussed some of the psychological warfare techniques, „mind fuck games“, used against me by corrupt law enforcement since 1989 (although the same police defamations that the „things“ used to justify their crimes began somewhere between 1985-1988 and the Anchorage Police Department and Huntington Beach Police Deparment have police records on this). Actually, all the national police departments, federal agencies, and Congressional members have the proof. As a result, not to „beat a dead horse“, we will move on to Switzerland in 2002.
I was relived to arrive in Switzerland and to see Silvio. I was still recovering from the severe psychological shock (that took a few more years to heal from). Naturally, during the phases on recurring psychoses (perhaps more accurately, severe Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (P.T.S.D.), it was enormously frustrating. It was a strainful, burdensome, complex, and baffling to Silvio on what was psychologically going on with me and he immediately noticed it when he picked me up at the airport in Zurich (I was „frazzled“ due to being tortured). When we were walking along the streets in St. Gallen, I actually thought that I was dead and in „limbo“ like the character in the movie „Ghost“. This continued for quite a legnth of time and perturbed Silvio, yet me the most.
Unfortunately, I was not certain that I was alive until 4.4.02 (incredibly, 44) when Silvio’s father, Hermo, passed away after a long illness. I state this as during the period when I „thought“ that I was in „limbo“, I was certain that when Hermo died, if I was there (I arrived a few minutes after he transferred to the sacred), I expected to see his spirit rise and that my „perceived“ job while in „limbo“ was to be Hermo’s comforter and to facilitate his journey to the sacred. Obviously, this did not happen and when I observed this and the nurses were cleaning him up after expiration, I just kept watching as I realized then, that there were at that time, still serious aftereffects of the psychological shock. This realization triggered me towards a facilitated healing and in Hermo’s memory, only lyrics from a George Michael have I ever associated it with, despite the physical loss of him: „With your last breath, you saved my soul“ as I knew I had to do what I had to do to heal from psychosis. Unequivocally, I personally will state that now, in 2009, that it is over as I know for sure that I am alive and I have the bills to prove it that the corrupt law enforcement will eventually pay for it.
Additionally, during the periods in Switzerland, I did write my wonderful book: „To Learn To Love“, so I was not an absolute mess like the lying corrupt authorities falsely claimed. Since this phase of psychoses and/or P.T.S.D. in Switzerland and recovering from it proved too much of a hardship on Silvio, finanacially and psychologically, I returned to the U.S.A. to start over in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida (and other cities since then). I was very satisfied to be near the ocean and I was psychologically healing a lot faster than I had expected. I was effectively working, regularly lifting weights, going to the beach, and near a gay environment. Everything was working except for writing and developing good friendships (that later occurred). However, here are the major incidents that materialized that set my healing in reverse:
1. In December 2003, I was attacked by two thugs and their female friend asking me to purchase their jacket that I kept refusing and the Ft. Lauderdale Police cover-up due to lies and omissions in their police report („incident report“) that included „Mike“, a possible off-duty officer as one uniformed officer asked him: „Mike, are you off-duty and do you wish to be ‚officially‘ in this report“ that I was not aware was an option for law enforcement) as I needed the documentation for civil litigation purposes due to my injuries, especially my teeth.
2. My paternal grandfather, the one who caught me smoking in his automobile, expectedly died in Friday, January 2, 2004.
3. My younger brother Lonnie, was hit by a train and was unexpectedly killed Friday, January 23, 2004, exactly 3 weeks after our grandfather who , ironically, worked 30 years on the Alaska railroad as an eletrical engineer.
4. I was attacked by two thugs just after hearing about my brother’s tragic demise and the Ft. Lauderdale Police lying about the weapons that were used against me that I personally gave to one officer who sealed them in a plastic bag and put into the trunk of his patrol car. The weapons were left out of the police reports and the paperwork „suspect“ paragraph left blank on the „incident report“ and obviously, the weapons, evidence with perhaps fingerprints of one of the assailants, were discarded. These are all cover-ups as I need the documentation for civil litigation purposes (even those that may not necessarily be associated with them) due to my physical and psychological injuries and its punitive damages. This situation became worse with the Ft. Lauderdale Internal Affairs escalation of the corrupt cover-up, totally dismissed me in their letters and refusing to do any „supplementary forms“ o correct the police reports with overt lies and omissions that the Florida State prosecutor requested needed to be done.
5. August 4, 2006 (President Obama’s birthday), a „thing“ unprovoked attacked me and eventually ate the tip of my right thumb.
6. The next day, in ‚shock“ over my thumb being eaten and coming off the anesthesia, the Ft. Lauderdale Police harassed me on Las Olas Blvd, a young attractive officer pushing me in the back after permitting me to go, then realizing that there were many eyewitnesses, followed me with 4 police vehicles towards the city public library approached me and they stated that I „had to go home or go to jail“ and I replied that it is illegal, they can only request that I leave the area, arrested me for „trespassing“ (on the city public library), beat me while handcuffed behind my back, several times pounding me in the chest as I was defenseless, due to telling them that I was going to call the F.B.I. on them for federal civil rights violations. On the way to the hospital for „clearance“ to go to jail as my right thumb was still bleeding and H.I.V., the officer driving stated: „I should just kick your ass now so that you can sue the police department and we can split the money“ and „You will not be helped due to being politicized.“ There own police audio and video can prove what I have written. I did call the Florida F.B.I., but the female that I spoke to blew me off claiming it was „not their jurisdiction“ that I would love to legally challenge.
7. August 2007 in Dunn, North Carolina (N.C.), being illegally twice tasered by their police and their lies about me in their police reports who also twice threatened to „shoot me in the head“ as well as the F.B.I. due to telling them that I was going to call the F.B.I. on them for federal civil rights violations. I did, and the North Carolina F.B.I. seemed to take it more seriously than the Florida F.B.I. as I aslo called the N.C. Attorney General’s office.
„Applegate“ will now be discussed in further detail due to its relevance in my specific situation and the „moral authority“ of when and if it these torture tactics should be used and if so, what is the compensation for the innocent victims of it instead of legally blocking the proof for obvious reasons already mentioned of civil litigations, criminal litigations, histories, legacies, and human decency. During this period, I will list 15 examples of what occurred and still is occurring:
1. „APPLEGATE“ INITIALLY STARTED ON DEFAMATIONS (LIES).
2. EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH „APPLEGATE“ IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL, AND ILLEGAL.
3. POLICE-FEDERAL COMMUNICATION WITHOUT MY ATTORNEY IN ATTEMPTS TO SETTLE THIS NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL MESS THAT THEY STARTED AS THEY ARE MIXING IN SOME TRUTH, WITH HALF-TRUTHS, AND OUTRIGHTS LIES WITH THEIR „AUTO CUES“, ETC...AND ATTEMPTING TO „HELP“ WITH ME INADMISSABLE „PETTY STUFF“ THAT WAS OBTAINED UNCONSTITUTIONALLY DUE TO THE MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES OF „APPLEGATE“ SIMILAR TO „RACIAL PROFILING“.
4. POLICE ATTEMPTED TO MURDER ME IN THE U.S.A. AND ONCE IN SWITZERLAND BY AN IRAQI POLICE TRANSLATOR.
5. LAW ENFORCEMENT ILLEGALLY DRUGGED ME IN MY SPARKLETTS WATER IN LOS ANGELES IN 2001 AND MY WINE IN SWITZERLAND ON JANUARY 16, 2006 TO COERCE A CONFESSION(S) TO THEIR LIES.
6. POLICE-FEDERAL ATTEMPTED ENTRAPMENTS AND ENTRAPMENTS FOR REVENGE AND „TARGETED“ RETALIATION FOR THEM LIKELY BEING CAUGHT IN THEIR CRIMES.
7. POLICE BEATINGS/TASERINGS TO COERCE A CONFESSION(S) TO THEIR LIES AND LIKELY BEING CAUGHT IN THEIR CRIMES.
8. POLICE HARASSMENT WHEREVER I RESIDED FOR THEM LIKELY BEING CAUGHT IN THEIR CRIMES.
9. 2001 GRAND THEFT AUTO OF MY HERTZ RENTAL CAR AND MY LUGGAGE.
10. THEFTS OF OTHER LUGGAGE AND CLOTHING, EVEN IN LOS ANGELES IN DECEMBER 2008.
11. THEFTS OF WATCHES, A RING IN A LOS ANGELES MOTEL ROOM (THAT WILL PROVE TO BE EXTREMELY SIGNIFICANT).
12. THEFTS OY MY BIKES AND HITTING ME WITH THEIR AUTOMOBILES (AND FISTS) WHILE I WAS RIDING MY BIKES IN THE BIKE LANES (AND IN SWITZERLAND, A TAXI RUNNING OVER MY LEFT FOOT).
13. POLICE AND FEDERAL „APPLEGATE“ COVER-UPS.
14. BLOCKING CIVIL LITIGATION AND/OR COMPENSATION FOR CONSTITUTIONAL TORTS AND VICTIM COMPENSATION.
15. BLOCKING CONFIRMATION OF THEIR CRIMES AND SECRETS, SIMULTANEOUSLY SLANDERING ME FOR TELLING THE TRUTH.
Obviously, „Applegate“ is not finished yet, so eventually, there will be more to write on this issue. I look forward to the day when I will have a public forum as my new „missionary“ work is to write, speak, and fight for constitutional, civil and human rights until the day that I expire and I will initially focus on innocent people in the U.S.A. due to my experiences and also with the rest of the world.
2. LAW ENFORCEMENT TECHNOLOGY AND SECRETS
HERE WILL BE A LIST OF LAW ENFORCEMENT TECHNOLOGY AND SECRETS THAT I HAVE LEARNED OVER THE PAST 2 DECADES THAT MOST OF THEM WERE INITALLY USED IN PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE TO „BREAK“ MY MIND, A „SUSPECT“, ESSENTIALLY, TO DESTROY A MIND FOR AN OBJECTIVE, E.G., AN „ALLEGED“ CRIME/CRIMES SO THAT THE READER MAY HAVE A GLIMPSE INTO WHAT DID HAPPEN, EVEN IF DENIED, BY CORRUPT U.S.A. LAW ENFORCEMENT. THIS HAPPENED TO ME INTERMITTENTLY OVER A 2-DECADE PERIOD STARTING IN 1989 AND PERPETUALLY SINCE 2001, THE MOST NOTORIOUS UNTIL 2008. AFTER THESE EXAMPLES ARE READ, THEN ONE WILL FURTHER UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE IMMORALITY, ABOMINABLE, HEINOUS, INIQUITY, SINFUL, EVIL ATROCITIES OF WHAT „MIND FUCK GAMES“, PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE, TRULY DOES TO A HUMAN BEING’S MIND AND THE CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY WHEN IT IS DONE TO AN INNOCENT PERSON. AFTER THESE EXAMPLES, THERE WILL BE A „FINAL ANALYSIS“ OF THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY, THE EVIL AND WHERE THE U.S.A. WISHES TO STAND ON THIS AS ISSUE, NOT ONLY A MONETARY VALUE THAT CAN NEVER BE MEASURED, YET ON PRINCIPLE:1. AUTO TAGS, TELEPHONE NUMBERS, E-MAILS, ADDRESSES, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS, CUSTOMIZED MEDIA, COLORS, NAMES, FORMATTING PUBLICATIONS, INCLUDING E-MAILS, SPECIFIC TO THE PROFILE OF AN INDIVIDUAL, DOUBLE-DOUBLES WITH ANT0NYMS/SYNONYMS OF WORDS ARE ALSO UTILZED. THEY WILL ALSO UTILIZE THE IDENTICAL TERMS AND PHRASES IN CERTAIN CONVERSATIONS AS MEANS TO COMMUNICATE AS WELL AS MEDIA FORUMS (REAL AND ALTERED NEWSPAPERS, TELEVISON PROGRAMS, LICENSE PLATE TAGS, TELEVISION AND RADIO BROADCASTS, NUMBERS), MUSIC CDS AND THEIR ORDER (AND ON THE RADIO), LOOK-A-LIKES OF FAMILY MEMBERS AND FRIENDS, CHILDREN PLAYING GAMES WITH CODE WORDS, ADVERTISEMENTS ON AUTOMOBILES (OFFICIAL AND UNOFFICIAL), ALL MEDIA, INTERNET WEBSITES, COMPUTER ISP ADDRESS BAR NUMBERS AND LETTERS, RE-DIRECTION OF INTERNET WEBSITES, RE-DIRECTION OF TELEPHONE CALLS, RE-DIRECTION OF ANYTHING, SOUNDS EMITTING FROM PIPES (E.G., IN 1989 AND 2001 IN WEST HOLLYWOOD AT 24 HOUR FITNESS), FLASHING OF LIGHTS, DIMINISHING OF LIGHTS, LIGHTS/SOUNDS HAPPENING AT PRECISE SECONDS, REFLECTIONS OF MIRRORS, ANIMALS (SUCH AS BIRDS, CATS, DOGS), STEALING ITEMS THAT A SUSPECT THROWS AWAY, ADULT PORN VIDEOS HAVING ALTERED IMAGES OF MODELS WITH RINGS ON THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS, THE TITLES CHANGED (FT. LAUDERDALE THE CLUB BATH HOUSE: „A NIGGERS REVENGE“ , A HOMOSEXUAL PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEO WITH A WHITE MALE IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX BETWEEN 2 BLACK MALES, IDENTICAL TO MY „FANTASY“), THE NAMES OF THE MODELS CHANGED IN THE „CREDITS“, AND THE MODELS CONVERSATIONS „VOICEOVERS“, ETC...:
2. PEOPLE WHO GESTICULATE LIKE BASEBALL MANANGERS AND COACHES, VIBRATING FURNITURE, CHANGING THE VOLUME TO MUSIC AT SPECIFIC LYRICS, COMPUTER SCREEN FLASHING, COMPUTER CURSORS AS QUES, LEAVING OBJECTS AROUND SPECIFIC LOCATIONS WITH ADVERTISEMENTS ALONG AN INDIVIDUALS PATH OF MOVEMENT AND INSIDE LOCATIONS TO ALSO DISPLAY THAT THE SAME ITEMS IN AN INDIVIDUALS LIVING/WORKING LOCATION AS A MEANS TO CONFIRM/COUNTER INTELLIGENCE, BANGING ON WALLS, AND PHONY CONVERSATIONS OUTSIDE OF THE LOCATION SITES TO CONFIRM AUDIO AT SPECIFIC SITES. THIS ALSO INVOLVES ALL MEDIA FORUMS AS MEANS OF COMMUNICATION ANY INFORMATION AND/OR COUNTER INFORMATION.3. COMPUTER INFILTRATION (FOR WORD DOCUMENTS TO BE UNDERLINED AND COLOR CODED, E.G., RED AND GREEN, ETC), SENDING E-MAILS TO WEBSITES AND THE RETURN VERSION BEING ALTERED IN ITS FORMAT AND WITH SYMBOLS FOR A MULTITUDE OF REASONS), LIVE INTERNET COMMUNICATION (POP-UPS LIKE THE COMPANY IN 2001 SANTA MONICA), ADVERTISEMENTS, E-MAIL HEADINGS BEING RECEIVED, NEWS, SPORTS, WEATHER, PERSONALS, SPECIFIC WEBSITES THAT AN INDIVIDUAL IS KNOWN TO GO TO, CHANGING THE ORIGINAL WEBSITE VERSION TO A CONDITIONED VERSION SPECIFIC TO A SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL, ADS (EVEN IN NEWSPAPERS AND THE MAIL, ACTUALLY, ANY PUBLICATION). THIS ALSO INCLUDES UTILIZING THE MEDIA FORUM HEADLINES AND CODED SPEECH WORDS.4. PEOPLE UTILIZE YAHOO CHAT NAMES AND OTHER MODES OF COMMUNICATION, E.G., YAHOO, AOL, TWITTER, YOUTUBE, IPODES, CHAT ROOMS, ETC.... UTILIZE THIS SYSTEM ON E-BAY WITH PRODUCTS, E.G., BOOKS AND BIDDING WITH DIRECT INFORMATION AND ENCRYPTED INFORMATION IN ADDITION TO OTHER PRODUCTS AS E-BAY IS AN INTERNATIONAL CAPITALISTIC MARKET THAT THE ITEMS MAY BE MAILED TO ANY PART OF THE WORLD, THUS, MAKING REGULATION 1,000 TIMES MORE DIFFICULT THAN EVEN REGULAR CUSTOMS.5. SPECIFIC TO THE SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL, VIDEO GAMES INCLUDING THE BACKGROUND HAVING LOOK-A-LIKES OF OBJECTS LIKE BICYCLES AND FRIENDS AND FAMILY), THE TELEVISION INCLUDING CARTOON CHARACTERS AND THEIR COMMENTS: A HOUSE IN ANCHORAGE: 6 181 GROSS (GOSS OF THE C.I.A. AND 1 GO SS IN THE DUNN, NC TELEPHONE BOOK AT MY AUNT JEANIES TRAILER), MOVIES, COMPUTERS (THE CLUB IN LOS ANGELES AND ELSEWHERE) HETEROSEXUAL AND HOMOSEXUAL PORNOGRAPHY AND PORNOGRAPHIC WEBSITES (ALSO TO INSERT VIRUSES AND INFILITRATION), THE ACTORS AND THEIR HAIR COLORS, THE ACTORS NAMES, THE TITLES OF THE MOVIES, AND THE CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN THE ACTORS, ETC...IN AN CONDITIONED ENVIRONMENT, MAY PHYSICALLY AND ORALLY RESPOND TO A COMMENT AND/OR INSTRUCT PEOPLE (SUCH AS SOUNDS EMITTING FROM HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS AND INSIDE WALLS, ETC.) INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE BACKGROUND PEOPLE (LOOK-A-LIKES), AUTOMOBILES (ALSO WITH ADVERTISMENTS AND COLORS INDICATING A CODE), MUSIC, THEIR LYRICS, SPEAKING/SINGING OVER SOUNDTRACKS, CHANGING THE SOUNDTRACKS, AND CHANGING THE ORDER OF THE SONGS AND THEIR LYRICS.
6. NUMBERS: CONVERSIONS AND INVERSIONS, AND THE NAMES OF THE ACTORS, TITLES, AND THE PEOPLE LISTED AS THE CREDITS FOR SUCH SPECIFIC PROGRAM, FOR SUCH SPECIFIC INFORMATION/DIRECTIONS IN A MISSION AND THEN HAVE SUCH SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL SPEAK/ACT IN THE 3RD AND/OR 4TH PERSON DIRECT AND WITH SYMBOLISM. THIS MAY ALSO BE DONE WITH CELL PHONES AND TEXT MESSAGING AND TELEPHONE CONVERSATIONS SUGGESTING TRUE OR FALSE INFORMATION WITH CODE WORDS SPECIFIC TO SUCH SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL. THIS INCLUDES THE SUBTITLES OF FOREIGN FILMS AND THE TEXT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TELEVISION/MOVIE SCREEN, E.G., CNN DOES WITH NEWS, SPORTS RESULTS, WEATHER, AND STOCK PRICES AND INSIDE AND OUTSIDE STIMULI OF SIGHTS AND SOUNDS, REMOTE CONTROLLED RESPONSES FROM THE TELEPHONE RINGING, SOUNDS FROM OUTSIDE, SOUNDS EMITTING FROM HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS TO COMMENTS MADE BY TELEVISION, MOVIE, ETC...CHARACTERS COMMENTS, AND/OR OBJECTS SUCH AS THE U.S.A. FLAG.7. TRAVEL WITH A SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL (ALONG A PRE-DETERMINED AND/OR KNOWN PATH) AND HAVE SUCH ENTITY THAT ANOTHER INDIVIDUAL IS EMPLOYED WITH TIMED FOR SUCH TRAFFIC WITH COLORED AUTOMOBILES AND THEIR ADVERTISEMENTS SUGGESTING SPECIFIC INFORMATION. THIS MAY ALSO BE DONE WITH PUBLICATIONS SUCH AS THE BIBLE, THE QURAN, TORAH, NEWSPAPERS, BOOKS, INTERNET, ETC. ALSO, USE THE COLORS OF BUILDINGS, TREES CUT DOWN, LOGS AND WOOD WRAPPED UP, ETC.... ALSO, HAVE LAW ENFORCEMENT FAMILY MEMBERS CALL THEIR HUSBANDS/WIVES, ETC...WHEN THEY SEE SOMEONE LEAVE A LOCATION TO INFORM THEM OF THE TIME OF DEPARTURE SO THAT THEY MAY TIME THEIR TRAFFIC.8. TELEVISION COMMER CIA LS, TELEVISION PROGRAMS, LIVE INTERNET, MOVIES, CHARACTERS MAKING GESTURES, BEHAVIORS, COMMENTS PRECISELY AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER AN INDIVIDUAL MAKES A COMMENT AND/OR ENTERS A ROOM WITH A CLANDESTINE EMPLOYEE FOR INTELLIGENCE AND/OR COUNTER-INTELLIGENCE. IN FT. LAUDERDALE: „DEAL OR NO DEAL“ AND „DISINGENIOUS“, ETC...AND IN 2001 IN LOS ANGELES WITH THE CHARACTERS OF PROGRAMS UTILIZING THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS WITH ARINGS IN EXAGGERATED, BLURRED CENTERED MOVEMENTS AT 750 ½ S. ORANGE GROVE AVENUE, #D.9. SPECIFIC TO SUCH SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL, BUSINESSES, E.G., IN 2001 IN LOS ANGELES BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF WILSHIRE BLVD. AND WEST OF LA CIENGA TITLES OF THE MOVIES, ETC („FINAL FANTASY“ ANIMATED MOVIE), THE DOLLAR STORE ON THE CORNER OF WILSHIRE BLVD AND THE DOLLAR STORE ITEMS TO BE SOLD (INCLUDING THE C US TOMERS) AND ADVERTISEMENTS, RALPH GROCERY STORES PRODUCTS, THEIR PRICES, ITEMS ON SALE, SIGNS AND THEIR LOCATIONS, ETC.....
10. TO EMPHASIZE, LAW ENFORCEMENT CORRUPT „THINGS“ HAVE HAD HOMOSEXUAL/HETEROSEXUAL ADULT PORN VIDEOS HAVING ALTERED ADULT VIDEOS WITH RINGS ON THE MIDDLE FINGERS OF THE MODELS THAT WERE PUTTING THEIR FINGERS INTO THE BEHIND OPENINGS AND OTHER CREVICES OF THE OTHER MODELS. (THIS WAS BIZARRE TO ME BECAUSE AS A FORMER GAY ADULT MODEL, WE WERE ALL INSTRUCTED NOT TO WEAR ANY JEWELERY). THIS ALSO INVOLVES CHANGING THE TITLES AND THE MODEL NAMES AND HAS HAPPENED IN ANCHORAGE, WEST HOLLYWOOD, AND FT. LAUDERDALE.
11. LIVE WIRE 24/7-LIVE INTERACTION-INTERFACE W/ LISTENING DEVICES AND VIDEO, CUES TO A SPEAKER AT A LIVE EVENT (CONGRESS AND THE SENATE) WHEN A PERSON IS VIEWING THE TELEVISION IN A "CONDITIONED" LOCATION SITE (DESCRIBED IN NUMBER 2): DEMOCRAT FROM CALIFORNIA STATING "PROVING A POINT" TO A REPUBLICAN WHICH IS WHAT IS WHAT I STATED EARLIER IN THE DAY IN DUNN, NORTH CAROLINA.
12. DVD/VHS MOVIES AND AFTER A CHARACTER COMPLETES A SENTENCE (WORD), EVEN AT A SPECIFIC TIME (THE NUMBERS AS CODES) THEN THE FLASHING-DIMISHING AND OR BRIGHTENING OF LIGHTS FROM ELECTRICAL FIXTURES, EXCESSIVE COUGHING, TELEPHONE CALLS, AUTOS PASSING BY ON THE ROAD AT NIGHT AT „TARGETED“ LOCATIONS WITH OBJECTS TO SUGGEST INFORMATION, ETC...WHILE THERE ARE SECRET AUDIO/VIDEO IN A "CONDITIONED" LOCATION SITE.
13. NAMES, E.G. "GAR C.I.A."; „A US TIN“ (USA CLANDESTINE); „ME“, „AM ERIC A“.
14. ADULTS/CHILDREN CLOTHING COLORS, WORDS, NUMBERS, ETC...ON CLOTHING.
15. AUTOS (INFO AND CODES), PLANES (PLANS), TRAINS (INFO AND CODES), BOATS, BLIMPS, BIKES, AND OTHER OUTSIDE OBJECTS.
16. INSIDE OBJECTS, (HOUSEHOLD ITEMS, TOOLS, GROCERCIES, FABRICATED MAIL, ETC....
17. TO EMPHASIZE, 2001 "ALL IN THE FAMILY" MARATHON AT THE „INN“ @ WEHO ARCHIE BUNKER CHARACTER WITH HIS MARRIAGE RING ON HIS MIDDLE FINGER, 2001 750 ½ S. ORANGE GROVE AVENUE, #D, THE SAME WITH THE PEOPLE ON TELEVISION, ALTERED FILMS, NAMES OF THE CREDITS CHANGED SPECIFIC TO THE SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL'S FAMILY AND FRIENDS, SUBTITLES, PEOPLE, AUTOS, ETC...PASSING IN THE BACKGROUND OF FILMS AND TELEVISION PROGRAMS, MUSIC CHANGED FROM THE ORIGINAL SCORE SPECIFIC TO THE SPECIFIC INDIVIDUAL, AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.
18. CNN, FOX, ETC...PRESIDENT BUSH (HIS FATHER, FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH, WAS THE DIRECTOR OF THE C.I.A.) IN 2006 PRESS CONFERENCES BEING QUED, BLINKING HIS EYES (LIKE SILVIO'S BEAUTIFUL, BLOND HAIR, BLUE EYED NEPHEW, DOMINI QUE) WITH PEOPLE IN THE FOREFRONT AND THE BACKGROUND STANDING AND PASSING IN ADDITION TO THE NEWS, SPORTS, WEATHER, TEXT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WHEN I WAS OBSERVING THE TELEVISION AT A GYM IN FT. LAUDERDALE. MORE ON INFORMATION TRANSFORMATION VIA MEDIA FORUMS LATER IN THIS DOCUMENT.
19. MOVIES AT 5421 E. 42ND IN ANCHORAGE-FALL AND WINTER 2005 W/ "GEORGE" (LOOK-A-LIKE OF A YOUNG GEORGE W. BUSH) AND MOVIES IN CHARTERED D.O.J. FLIGHTS WHERE I WAS HARASSED AND MUCH, MUCH MORE WITH A FEW EYEWITNESSES THAT DID NOT SEEM TO SHARE THE SAME VICIOUSNESS AS MOST OF THE OTHERS, INCLUDING CONTINUALLY „HITTING“ ME AND DROPPING WINE BOTTLES ON MY HEAD, ACCIDENTALLY OF COURSE.
20. THE 1990'S LOS ANGELES (ANCHORAGE, DURANGO, AND FT. LAUDERDALE TOO) PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE AND TECHNOLOGY (MOSTLY THE SAME, ESPECIALLY LIGHTS, BIRDS, MEDIA, ETC...).
21. 2007-CHRIS SAN FRANCISCO (415) 272-6097 "YOU ARE HURTING ME" (AGAIN THIS WAS STATED BY A STRANGER).
22. 9/7/2007 @ WESTERN SIZINLING RESTAURANT, A MAN IN A WHITE SHIRT WITH A WOMEN AND A TEENAGE SON STATES "MESS" JUST AS WE PASS BY HIS TABLE WHEN THERE WERE NO OTHER PEOPLE AT THE LOCATION. THEN, THERE WAS AN OLDER MALE THE SAME AGE WATCHING A TENNIS MATCH BETWEEN SERENA WILLIAMS AND THE NUMBER 1 FEMALE PLAYER AT THE U.S. OPEN, AND LASTLY, A YOUNG BOY WEARING A BLUE SHIRT WITH THE NUMBER 3 IN WHITE.
23. PENTAGON WEBSITE-"ASK A QUE STION" THEN SOLVED AND UNRESOLVED.24. THE CLANDESTINE OPERATIVES ALSO UTILIZED VARIOUS FORMS OF IT SUCH AS: ET, EIGHT, ETC.. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS THAT THEY ARE REFERRING TO. 25. THE C LANDES TIN E OPERATIVES ALSO USED THE NUMBER 6 WITH THE WORD „FIX“, „ADMIT IT“, „YOU KNOW YOU DID IT“, „I SAW YOU DO IT“, „CONFESS TO IT“ WITH LOOK-A-LIKES, „YOU ARE BLOCKING OUR INVESTIGATION“, „YOU HAVE TO TALK TO US“, AND OTHER GENERAL PSYCHE GAMES THAT ARE LEGAL LIES. THIS WILL LATER PROVE TO BE RESOURCEFUL INFORMATION WHEN I DESCRIBE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE OF ME (EGREGIOUSLY INCORRECT EXCEPT FOR MY FAVOURITE SPORTS TEAMS AND OBVIOUS PERSONALITY TRAITS).
Eventually, I will speak and write about these techniques and methods in further detail to expound upon the morality of psychological torture and if the U.S.A. citizens belive that covering-up these secrets and more when law enforcement commit these atrocities to an innocent person, even being different from one another, because we all fall under the same laws and as previously explained, what was done to ME sets a LEGAL PRECEDENT to happen to YOU.
3. TRAUMAS AND TRADITIONAL TREATMENTS
Traumas come in many forms, sexual, physical, military, changes in life, tragic events, deaths in peoples’ families, etc…and different people have different psychological and physiological responses to such traumas. Psychological trauma “is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When the trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which damage the person’s ability to adequately cope with stress.
A traumatic event involves a single experience, or an enduring or repeating events, that completely overwhelm the individual’s ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. The sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks, years, even decades, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate circumstances.
Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. There is frequently a violation of the person’s familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray or disillusion the person in some unforeseen way.
Psychological trauma may accompany physical trauma or exist independently of it. Typical causes of psychological trauma are sexual abuse, violence, the threat of either, or the witnessing of either, particularly in childhood. Catastrophic events such as earthquakes...war, or other mass violence can also cause psychological trauma. Long-term exposure to situations such as poverty or milder forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse, can be traumatic.
There is also a distinction between traumas induced by recent situations and long-term trauma which may have been buried in the unconscious from past situations such as child abuse. Trauma is often overcome through healing: in some cases this can be achieved by recreating or revisiting the origin of the trauma under more psychologically safe circumstances…in addition to advanced “exposure therapy”.
www.wikipedia.org
The purpose of defining and briefly explaining trauma from an outside source is due to my personal emotional experiences with it so that the reader may understand it from an objective source. There are many other types of traumas and different people react differently to traumas for a multitude of reasons, e.g., the type of trauma, the frequency of trauma, the degree of pain and suffering due to the trauma, and even “re-experiencing” the traumas in a safer environment. Additionally, many people lack effective coping mechanisms to psychological traumas and react differently to them, healthy and unhealthy. Ones who lack effective coping mechanisms to psychological traumas are usually more harmed by the negative linear societal responses to them that usually exacerbate the individual(s) as we all are somewhat different from one another pertaining to genetics, cultures, personal histories, educations, social statuses, and especially personal histories.
The symptoms of psychological traumas will not be in finite detail explained here as there are many other sources to obtain that from. Yet, a brief description will be provided. “People who go through these types of extremely traumatic experiences often have certain symptoms and problems afterward. How severe these symptoms are depends on the person, type of trauma involved, and the emotional support they receive from others. A traumatized individual may experience one or several of them….Triggers and cues act as reminders of the trauma, and can cause anxiety and other associated emotions…..Consequently, intense feelings of anger may surface frequently, sometimes in very in appropriate or unexpected situations, as danger may always seem to be present.”
www.wikipedia.org
This includes disturbing images, nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia, reminders of the traumatic episodes, etc…that “keep the person vigilant and on the lookout for danger, both day and night…Panic attacks are an example of a psychosomatic response to such emotional triggers.”
www.wikipedia.org
This brings us to the subject of memories and the effects of traumas on them. Specifically, what memories are and how severe traumas do have a direct impact upon ones’ “combinations” of memories. Memories are basically chemical formulations that combines together within the synapses and neurons of human brain cells inside the brain’s hippocampus (synapses/neurons in the hippocampus structure), “dendritic spines” (an enormous number) …which receive signals from other neurons. Brain cells and memories are believed to be connected with various chemical formations via calcium deposits in the hippocampus in the multiple dendritic spine (connections), where memories are temporarily stored (cell function and cell age the primary components), until the calcium channels of particular brain channels are passed between different neurons in a different part of the brain for permanent storage.
Scientists used to believe that the human species’ were born with all their brain cells at birth and did not regenerate and/or reactivate and that once brain cells were dead, the brain would adjust to it by the brain cells “by-passing” the dead synapses and neurons (cells) to alive ones. Today, that theory is the opposite as many scientists now have confirmed in laboratories that brain cells in animals regenerate and/or reactivate, similar to when humans’ lose their “baby” teeth and later grow in “adult” teeth.
“Calcium channels are molecular gates that open in response to electrical stimulation and allow calcium to flow into centric spines. Calcium in turn, triggers biochemical events in the spine which modify synaptic strength and thereby encode memories.” What then may traumatize a human being so much as to alter their states pertaining to the “six known varieties of channels that could be present in spines, each having different properties” that may convert memories into what is real, what is not real, re-combinations of memories, etc…due to the various bio-chemical “shock” of various events, psychological and/or physiological? Expanding on this thought, as this writer believes, “there is a theory that the hippocampus is a transient memory holder, storing memories temporarily, before they are stored elsewhere in the brain….Researchers have described it as operating like a sponge: memories are picked up and then squeezed out into other areas of the brain before new information can be stored.” www.wikipedia.org
So what occurs when younger people experience psychological shock due to traumas (that they may recover from due to their younger molecular brain cell age). I mention this due to my personal experience in 2001 of severe psychological shock and “hysterical amnesia” due to traumatic events before, during, and after, simultaneous with the chemicals of illegal narcotics, that I experienced and how my memories were all messed up like a pieces of a puzzle all thrown about after being completed. Remember, “Memories are the synapses and neurons of human brain cells inside the brain’s hippocampus (synapses/neurons in the hippocampus structure)”, ‘dendritic spines’ (an enormous number) …which receive signals from other neurons.” It is logical that what happened with me was that severe psychological shock with additional chemicals had a temporary affect upon my memory formations, yet somehow my brain was able to regenerate and correct memory reformulations that also explains the “hysterical amnesia” that lasted for just 48 hours.
In 2001, I was 32 when I went into Psychological shock, young enough to recover from those experiences. This is in comparison to older people that experience dementia via various diseases such as Alzheimer’s (that may not recover from due to their older, non-regenerative, molecular brain cell age). I will elaborate a bit here as my paternal grandmother (“Chuda”, old women in our language), before suffering from Alzheimer’s, told me the story of when she was a little girl, she was taken away from her mother and siblings (from her home village in Kenai, Alaska to another city) due to them being infected with tuberculosis (T.B.), to an American Indian boarding school as she was not infected with T.B.
Chuda, as a young girl, not having the cognitive ability to understand why she was taken from her family, especially her mother, must have been psychologically, very traumatized in addition to the abuses that she later claimed that she experienced at the Indian Boarding school. Subsequently, as a little girl, she would rebel and run away. Today, Chuda is institutionalized with Alzheimer’s, P.T.S.D., and increasing severity of dementia. Occasionally, she rebels and attempts to leave. Perhaps she is experiencing a mix-up of her memories like I did in 2001 with the diagnosed P.T.S.D. that I still have. Yet due to our age difference, my brain cells were able to regenerate and the synapses, neurons, and “dendritic spines” regenerated and reactivated due to cellular activity and other stimuli while hers continues to deteriorate due to advanced age. Our genetics make this theory quite credible. I believe that the effects of traumas on memories and brain cell chemical re-combinations due to extreme psychological shock and dementia affects different people the same due to genetics and differently due to age simply by comparing my maternal grandmother’s current state with mine in 2001 and subsequent years.
Here is an invaluable quote from Michael Stebbins on that references what was just written:
“WHILE THE ADULT BRAIN WAS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT OF AS A NON-REGENERATIVE SYSTEM FOR PATHWAY FORMATION, RECENT STUDIES SHOW HOW DISASSOCIATED PRIMORDIAL NEURONS OR STEM CELLS IMPLANTED INTO THE ADULT CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM CAN GROW TO RECONNECT NEURONAL PATHWAYS AND INTEGRATE IN A MOLECULAR AND PYHSIOLOGICALLY FASHION (ITALICS MINE). THUS, ANATOMICAL AND NEURO-CHEMICAL, MOLECULAR, BEHAVIORAL AND FUNCTIONAL MRI PARAMATERS INDICATE THAT REGENERATIVE AND RECONSTRUCTIVE EVENTS CAN ALSO TAKE PLACE IN THE DEGENERATIVE ADULT BRAIN” (ITALICS MINE).
NEUROGENERATION LABRATORIES, MCLEAN HOSPITAL, PROGRAM IN NEUROSCIENCE, HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL.
There are already traditional coping mechanisms to traumas while alluding to the psychological likes and dislikes of a specific individual and the stimuli that is currently being used that has both positive and negative results that any person may choose to research. Additionally, there is a sociological perspective on traumas and societies different responses to ones suffering from them as what happened to me, the people in Switzerland were a lot more tolerant of me during my „episodes“, likely P.T.S.D., than the people in the U.S.A. that many were very rude, even threatened with violence by the police and public, that only once occurred in Switzerland.
The aspects of society, essentially politics, economics, education, and religions’ power and control over other people and the disparity between the wealthy and the poor that precipitates social ills in people that in effect, is the root cause of most traumas that are not caused by people who are innately evil and societies response to those afflicted exacerbated due to a lack of knowledge and/or ignorance.
To compound what was just written, there are gaps in education of truamas due to theological and ideological blocks due to the linear approaches and condescending actions and non-actions of the social programs and societies that contributes to homelessness, i.e.homeless shelters‘, and other social programs excessive focus on accountability and apologizing to other people, essentially tearing people down, rather than a more moderate approach with the emphasized focus on giving people who already have low self-esteem to bring them up, their spirits, and to give them the tools to succeed with a support group if they so choose.
TO LEARN TO LOVE.
Perhaps people need to live by their own theological belief systems and apply Jesus Christ’s „Golden Rule“ of doing unto thers as they would like done unto them. To learn to love and applying it is the answer to every problem that the human speceis has.
4. FINAL ANALYSIS
To conclude this discussion, I will make one last condemnation of corrupt law enforcement and the use of psychological torture; “mind fuck games”, and the “things” circumventing and circumvented U.S.A. Constitutional law to avoid accountability and transparency. Yet, like most human evil capabilities, it can be manifested in wonderful ways to heal the human mind as just like many progresses of the human species throughout history, it may be used either way. It is up to the moral fabric of all societies to decide for themselves the boundaries that must be set for even our authority figures, and being the U.S.A., we should be leading the world by example; otherwise, our world credibility will never recover from the previous presidential administration and even this one if not fixed as we will be seen as hypocrites and lack the “moral authority” to criticize any nations’ human rights abuses if the ones in the U.S.A., are not taken care of first, and that includes the cover-up of “Applegate”.
I believe that in addition to “traditional” healing methods of trauma and stress disorders (therapists, pharmacological, “revisiting”, “exposure therapy”, etc…), that “profiled” individuals’ specific likes should be the focus in combination with some or all “traditional” methods (depending upon the individual), especially for the most severe cases. In my personal experience, I will list what the most influential stimuli that was and is effective for me by my own perspective as who knows one better that oneself in most situations:
1. Pharmacological-Clonazepam (also for epilepsy and anxiety induced seizures)
2. Ocean waves
3. Writing and reading
4. Weightlifting
5. MUSIC
The most profound musical influences on my mind, especially in 2001when I stopped abusing illegal narcotics and without any pharmacological assistance, from one day to the next, when I “thought” that I was going to go insane, these pieces brought me the most comfort, classical due to instrumentals and pop due to the lyrics and instrumentals I would continuously listen to these specific musical pieces and songs, my eyes closed, in the dark with a candle lit, and the more that I heard these beautiful works of art, it soothed my soul : A SACRED 6- FIX” AND A SACRED-6 “FIX”
2001 Classical Music healing
Mozart „Elivra Madigan“.
Beethoven „Fuer Elise“ & „Moonlight Sonata“.
Vivaldi „Spring“ ‚‘largo e pianissimo sempre‘.
Smetana „Die Moldau“.
Vaughn Williams „Greensleaves“ from ‚Fantasia‘
Tchaicovsky „The Nutcracker“
2001 Modern Music healing
George Michael „You have been loved“.
Madonna „Human Nature“.
U2 „Pride“.
Gordon Matthew Sumner, „Sting“, ‚A Gentleman in New York‘“.
Elton John, „Someone saved my life last night“.
Motown Songs
Perhaps music, diatonic, with its frequency of 8-counts, or as I like to memorize, by 4-counts, vibrations, waves, rhythm, harmony, tone, beats, etc...and unknown knowledge, affects the human species more than has been yet discovered similar to when dolphins are around children, they have the ability with their sonar to differentiate between healthy children and the mentally disabled as they have been observed to be much more gentle in their approaches when around mentally disabled children compared to that of healthy children.
To review what was discussed earlier on the effects of traumas on memories, it is imperative to recall how memories are formed by cellular chemical formations among the synapses/neurons in the „dendritic spines“ and stored in various parts of the brain, that when damaged via severe psychological shock and traumas, especially in youth, may regenerate and are reactivated, not just bypassing „dead“ brain cells, otherwise, I would be in an insane asylum as I should have no more brain cells left due to all the physical traumas, sexual traumas, severe psychological shock, psychological torture by corrupt law enforcement, and self-inflicted traumas that I have experienced, rather than retaining, and incredibly, more proficiently, writing with acute proficiency and memory capacity.
Is it possible that electro-magnetism, static electricity,and „dark energy“ (yet to be discovered) may have healing properties to some degree since the whole universe is all connected in ways that we currently scientifically understand and in ways that we do not currently understand (if all life started with the „Big bang“ theory, begun by a Higher Power as I believe or even if by chance, then it is a certainty). Even the sounds of loved ones when people are in comas appear to have some impact.
I will make only one comment on what was not successful, unhealthy coping mechanisms, nefarious people, corrupt law enforcement, and ignorant people that pre-judged me without knowing my personal life traumas and took advantage of me when psychologically weakened due to multiple traumas, or even making an effort to find out or ask what was wrong or to help. Additionally, to periods of my life when I have not only have had my fixation „fantasy“ constantly recur, yet more relative, what occured in my life before that, my fixation „dream“ at 5-years old with a blond hair, blue eyed boy in kindergarten that obviously, after reading about all my „crushes“ in this book, what came up more frequently is apparent and my „dream“ of being with someone who looked like Karl.
It is not to say that the „fantasy“ in itself was a fallacy, as to some degree, it is not, just not to that degree. Exactly as love and sex are not the same, neither are a „fantasy“ or a „dream“. As for rejection by family and „friends“, I will sum it up in one sentence that I have always told my nephews and nieces: „If they like you, good for you, if they do not, good for them.“ There is a difference between a „dream“ fixation and a „fantasy“ fixation, and any insightful, industrious persons should have seen right through that with any effort.
Despite the corrupt law enforcement who „did not do their homework“ due to gross negligence, incompetence, and inflicting the most psychological, physical, economic, and emotional distresses, contemptuous torturers as they „rushed to judgement“ that never should have transpired due to their training. However, the „experts“ should have come to the correct, ineluctable conclusion by objectively and thoroughly researching my life as it would have been indubitably recogizable the continuity of what „type“ of guys that I have been and still are mostly attracted to. To prove that, remember that I have only had 2 boyfriends in my life, Silvio (Swiss German-Italian) and Karl (Swedish) and what do they look like, a „fantasy“ or a „dream“?
I will now end this book with 3 poems, the very last being the same poem that I began this book with, due to its applicability and passionate inner meanings that are very personal to me and and 2 others that I wrote in college thanks to the grace of God. The other titles are „God is Love“, and „Today“.
GOD IS LOVE (2000 in Durango)
God is love
He from above
Gave us life
And gifts in rife
Grace is might
Giving us sight
What is right?
The sacred plight
He is kind
Easy to find
Not so far
Look to the stars
He is good
On earth He stood
To see his face
We leave in pace
Peace at night
Life-full of bright
To see light
To know no more fright
God is love
White as a dove
Love Him may
To know Him we pray
TODAY (1990 in L.A.: Revised in 2000 in Durango)
Today I glide with eagles
In an endless dive, singing
I’m alive, I’m alive, yes, I’m alive
Today I see a bright star
Shining from above, showing
Me that today, I have found true love
Today the next wind will blow
Where will my love go, thinking?
Does he know how much I do love him so?
Today peer into my mind
Look inside my heart, feeling
That you my love and I will never part
Today I blissfully sleep
Yes, true love I found, dreaming
Will he forever with me be around?
Today I fly with blue birds
Happiness comes way, praising
What a majestic day this is today
WHEN THE SINGINGS OF BIRDS ARE JUST SONGS
Once I was a boy
Full of smiles and joy
Peace and love within me
Until I looked at the tree
A dying little bird
So precious and absurd
In the clasp of my hands
The last song-oh how sad
Once I was a man
Full of fear-thus I ran
Singings of birds all around
Moving to every sound
My spirit-it was saved
Love-to my soul I gave
When I freely walk along
Singings of birds are just songs
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